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1:16pm May 18 2012 (last edited on 1:40pm May 18 2012)
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Normal User
Posts: 1,652
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Well, it certainly has been a while
since I showed up here, but this time it's going to be with a little
confession of my own. Things have changed more than I ever would have
imagined when I first found this thread. At the moment, it seems only
for the worst.
About four years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, shuddering
into the real world after a kind of nightmare that I had never really
felt before. We all know what that feels like; the lingering, disturbed
fear, the slight daze it leaves you in... especially for a child. But
this was different. I knew I was awake, but everything that you feel in a
dream- the sense of falseness, none of that left me. So when I felt
something, or rather someone, breathe down the back of my neck and a
hand shift beside me, it was almost enough to make me scream. I'm always
alone in my room, that's never changed. I flipped over, my heart
absolutely pounding in my chest, and my eyes fixing on the silhouette
that was placed just behind where I had been laying. I was just forming a
cry for help when it clamped it's hand over my mouth, silencing me
rather efficiently.
My mind sort of went blank as 'he' leaned forward, murmuring the words
that I can't bring myself to forget to this day: "Now, now, there will
be no need for that". I saw light dancing in his eyes, and the flash of a
smile even through the darkness. To the day I can't tear that image
away. I must have started sobbing for all I remember of my reaction,
because even in what followed his hand didn't leave my mouth. I do
remember, however, the way I went absolutely rigid when the realization
of what he might have done to my family crossed me. It was such a
paralyzing dread, far worse than anything his presence alone could have
compelled me to fear. Then, literally as if reading my mind, he told me
that none of the others had been touched. As you can well imagine, it
didn't exactly soothe my (for lack of a word in this entire language to
describe the severity of the feeling) concern for them all. If anything,
it drove me even further into distrust, confusion, and despair.
"I will settle for leaving you, now that you know I'm here. But I'll
warn you not to be rash, they don't always take kindly to the deranged". Then I simply watched as his entire form; the weight of his knee on the edge of my bed, the pressure of his hand, and the cruel, demonic smile... all of him dissipated like smoke being taken off on the wind.
It seems like a story now that I read it, but I assure you that every word of what I just said is grimly true. I had struggled to collect myself, then my feet were pounding across the floor as I scrambled into the room where my two younger brothers slept. When I found them, both were curled up under their sheets, sleeping as peacefully as they could. I still don't regret waking them, just to scramble over their forms and check them for... signs of anything wrong. It took surprisingly little time for them both to be at my sides as I sprinted for my father's room. He too, was absolutely undisturbed until I woke him. I was too terrified to do much other than frantically tell him what I had seen, and what had happened to me. No secrets were held of that night.
We searched for hours in the darkness. Checking windows, doors, locks... everything. Yet in the end we found not a single thing out of place. My father never so much as suggested that I might be lying, he could tell I was too shocked for that.
The sun was just barely cracking over the mountains on the horizon when I felt myself stop. That I had been hallucinating had played on my mind more than once during this entire event, but it felt so absolutely real. Part of me screamed that I couldn't have dreamed up something that detailed, that convincing. Besides, wouldn't I have known that something hadn't felt entirely true if I were hallucinating? But no, another part of me knew that not a thing of what I had seen was real. Nothing made sense. It never really did.
I was taken to the hospital later in the day. There, I watched with absolute terror as the walls started to melt, and parts of the ceiling dripped molten globs onto the tile floor. I could even feel the heat. Past that, there was no doubt. And now that I look back on it, I wonder if I had actually heard someone laugh.
These "episodes", as we continue to call them, phased in and out in frequency, severity, and content. Sometimes it would be a glimpse of my own hand passing through my vision, and seeing massive cuts oozing blood everywhere I touched. Others it would be something beside me suddenly collapsing on itself and crumbling to dust. It took longer than I care to remember, but eventually we found someone who could figure out exactly what was wrong with me.
No, I'm not insane. They didn't lock me in a ward. And through it all, eventually the most I would react to all of this would be flinching or cringing. They disappear so quickly that it was deemed that I would be able to "fit with the rest of society without any major problems concerning my problem". I'm not going to bother to explain the details, it gives me headaches.
I was, however, diagnosed with "LaCortori's Syndrome". In a shell, it's little more than a mental disease that effects the visionary and physical (touch) sensory areas of the brain. It's rare enough that only a small handful of other people have ever been officially diagnosed with the same problem. They studied the second, a young man, and tried for a cure, but he died of inter-cranial bleeding before they had much of a chance. So far, my case has followed almost exactly in the footsteps of his. Sudden and unpredictable hallucinations, confusion over whether pleasure is painful or pain is pleasant, and recurring visions of a single person. For him, it had apparently been a woman, one he had never met before.
I'm stuck with this first hallucination; a cruel, mischievous, mocking bastard of a man. Sometimes he will show up just to watch me about my daily business, while others he will actually venture to talk to me. Usually something taunting or perverted. But in the end, the amount and severity of my episodes have been decreasing.
Life is still hard to cope with. I'm graduating at the top of my class for the year, and am even going to advance yet another year from my age group. Jaric, as we agreed to call him, leaves me alone during the day most of the time. Still, I quite literally have two people in my head. He pulls out thoughts in me that I'd far rather stay suppressed, and it would seem that he portrays himself as the instigator of my episodes. He laughs every time he gets to see me put through these. His nickname for a long time has been "Loki".
His appearances are growing more an more constant, however, and he is making it increasingly difficult for me to ignore him. It's making everyone else nervous, and frankly it's been messing with my life a lot lately. But more than anything else, the worst part is that I'm put through pain I can't even describe to you each and every time something happens to me in this imagined world. If I am exposed to "heat", I'll actually get blisters because my body thinks it's real. The cuts and bruises aren't real, of course, but they sure as hell feel like it.
In the end, I just tell myself I'll live. Even though in the end that may not be true, I guess in a way it helps.
On a side note, I wish more than anything else that I could smack that grin off of Jaric's face at the moment. >_> There is absolutely no need for me to type this, but I don't really care at the moment. Proves a point to him, if nothing else.
And yeah, the coding on this is going to be a little messed up because of a computer glitch. Sorry about that.
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7:28pm May 19 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 4,355
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Sometimes I think it's best to leave this world. Some how get my hands on a shotgun, hold it to my head and pull the trigger, then maybe I'll be in a better place. If I even make it there. Why? I can't do anything. Don't say I can if I try-I do. I try to be normal, I try to be good at something. Anything. I try until I bleed, but I can't do it. I just can't. The only things I'm good at are things that will never support me in life. Things that make me the "loser" at school. The other day I heard someone saying something, mentioning me, and laughing. When I asked them what I did wrong, they just laughed. And said nothing.
It's not like many people would care if I died. My family, my few friends maybe. I just don't know what to do... |
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7:48pm May 19 2012 (last edited on 11:20pm Jun 9 2012)
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Normal User
Posts: 709
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Sonadar and LaCortoriReturn, I understand what you two are going through but killing yourselves and hating yourselves are only gonna make things worse. Don't care what people think. Don't thin about what they say. I know it hurts. Try to make the best of your life. You are you. I know you don't want to be alone. Someone will understand you and love you and hold through tough times. So don't give up. Please. By the way I'm a girl. I chose a boy cause i wanted to. I also have a confession. At night it's hard for me to fall asleep and when i do i have the same nightmare. It's my father shooting at me. When i wake up i'm breathing hard and shaking. I shake thought-out the fay and everyday it's the same. I love my father but he scares me he constantly yelling at me about my weight(I'm not fat), my looks,my tomboyishness,and school. It's so stressful everyday i cry. I cry by myself in the shower and no-one knows how hurt i feel. No-one Knows how scared i am. No-one knows and No-one gives a dang. Blue, I never told you because i didn't want you to see me like this.
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12:43pm May 20 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 622
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LaCortori- I have never heard about that before, and I study sorts of things like that. That's unbelievable, but of course I believe it. Half way through reading that I was starting to think you may have Schizophrenia, but it didn't really relate to all the symptoms. Anyways, that must be truly terrifying. Weird how it's a occuring so late in your life, is there any event that has happened to you to become stressed and depressed? That might of caused something. I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope that a cure will be discovered. You will live, you seem like a fighter and just keep telling yourself to keep strong. I really look up to you for coping with that, I would never be able to. Bless your heart. <3
Sonador- That's not true. You can, you really can. Yah, people in school probably talk about me too. I'm a weird person, jumping around and singing. People look at me like I'm a freak. I don't care, because it's me. And if I can't be myself I'd rather be dead. You can be yourself. You are witty and really pretty, I've seen a picture of you before. xD Don't ask 'What did I do wrong?' be like 'WANT TO SEE ME DO IT AGAIN!' You need to smile. I know from experience that no one likes the cover story. Now, I might be wandering off subject. Anyways, death is never the answer. I don't know if you people it or not but in my religion and a couple others it is believed if you got suicide you will go to hell, not heaven. Because lifes a gift, if you really hate it that much then heaven is just too good a punishment. :) You're amazing. Keep strong. <3
Daiskui- I know what you feel about your dad. My dad doesn't yell at me for appearences but he does for personality. He has anger problems. I love him but sometimes it gets extreme. Your dad will never hurt you, I almost positive. Be yourself. Ignore what he says because you know the truth. I know it hurts a lot sometimes but I know you can make it through. It's okay to be what you want. You are you and if you didn't pick what you want then what would you be? If that made any sense. xD <3
(－_－) zzZ
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10:13pm Jun 9 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 1
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Daisuki (she's my sister) you never told me about this.
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2:21am Jun 11 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 2
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Well, mine might not be as dramatic as everyone else's, but I'm pansexual. I always thought everyone knew, but they all act so shocked when they find out so I guess not. I've had a really big crush on this girl in my class for ages and I'm petty sure she knows but I never talk to her or anything :/ too scared. Not a lot I can do I guess, I'm in 11th grade already so I only have about another year and a half with her.
Lets go run and both fall down, both fall down ♥
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5:18am Jun 15 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 709
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there's nothing wrong with that. You never know she might come around.
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4:24am Jul 3 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 4,893
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Bump.
i’m such a gamer uwu
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12:30am Aug 3 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 4,893
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i’m such a gamer uwu
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4:01pm Aug 7 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 655
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Nice to know this thread's still around.
they/them/theirs :)
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9:54am Aug 24 2012 (last edited on 6:26pm Aug 25 2012)
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Normal User
Posts: 2,315
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6:06pm Sep 5 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 165
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I'll spill it: IM A PEGASITER!! THERE! LAUGH AT ME!(acctually, please dont)
"Hello, this is... Mom Universe. Yes, the children are playing swords. Sorry, playing with swords. They\'re bleeding, oh noo they are dead. Don\'t call again. * click * Sorry I panicked"
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2:46am Sep 9 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 4,744
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I have a confession, a couple actually:
I have extreme trouble trusting people. This all started in second grade, when I went from being the most popular and loved person, to the person with one friend in the world. Instantly after I befriended this one girl, everyone else dropped me. I didn't exist anymore. I was gone. Now, I make friends with all the new and non-popular people, and I am completely content with my role in life, except when they drop me. The girl I gave everything for dropped me. She is popular now, and I am not. Although I would never wish to go back to where I was, it still hurts to think I dropped my popularity so that she could dump me six years later. It happens with a lot of my friends, and it hurts so badly, because I love all of them. Everyone I have ever come in contact with I love, and when they drop me, it feels like my heart falls out of my chest. I try to talk to people about it, but the words just won't come, and the only person I can actually talk to is my mom, and she doesn't get it. I don't know what to do. Most of my nights are spent in my room sobbing, my heart breaking when my friends or I experience a heartbreak. Thank you DawnOfTheDragon, for being my only one, true, constant friend. I have only known you for two years, but you are now a constant smiling face in my life, and I couldn't live without someone like that. Thank you for just being yourself. That is something I can never do.
Confession numero two: I beat myself up mentally for not being perfect. Like my siggy says, I expect perfection out of myself. I am the smartest person in my grade, and I beat myself up for having a 99 on a report card. In my mind, if they are not all 100s, I have failed. Miserably, utterly failed. I am also the quietest person in my class, but I beat myself up for not being better. I also believe I am not pretty enough, and even though I have 0 acne, I look better with glasses on, and my braces don't look dorky at all, I can't see myself as beautiful. I have eyelashes my mother and sisters would kill for, but I can't see the good. My hair is extremely voluminous and it has pretty waves, but all I can see is the fact that it isn't straight. I am extremely skinny, but the only thing I can see is the fact that I don't have curves. I can't take it, and if crying for my friendships isn't enough, I cry for my imperfections. I believe in God, but sometimes I think he made a mistake with me, and I was his "rough draft" for someone else.
Confession three: I have drawn a recent attracting to /shudder/ boys. I am a girl, so this isn't weird, but it is abnormal for me all the same. I look at the guy I have a crush on, and I can't stop thinking of whether or not he is thinking about me. I get obsessed with it sometimes, and I wake up an hour early to make myself look better. I also sometimes fall behind in my work from daydreaming. Basically, it is taxing my health and intellect.
Now, advise. I have never really considered suicide, I have a great family, food, water, and all the things one could really ask for. However, I have some good advice on the subject. I do believe there is a heaven, and I believe there is a better place waiting for us. However, suicide is not the answer to your problems. The way I figured out how to cope with my loser status? I embraced it. I put myself to work, helping other losers with their problems. I have heard so many whispers behind my back, but what I do is I use my frustration to make me stronger. I use it as a sort of fuel to power me, and I do all I can to be better. I don't even turn around and ask them what is wrong. I keep walking. Most of the time, bullies do things to get a reaction out of you, or to make themselves feel better. Be the bigger person. That is the one thing they don't expect: the true, normal you, not effected by what they say or do. As for trying to be normal, if you aren't normal, than you aren't normal. I found that out a few years ago, and it really changed me. Normal is overrated. Be you, not some print out of yourself that has been edited on the computer. I am pretty sure anyone who sees the real you will like it better than the normal you, I know I like myself better this way.
So um, yeah.
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5:55pm Sep 9 2012 (last edited on 5:23am Sep 10 2012)
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Artist
Posts: 3,187
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Ive been starring at this page for a while now, trying to think of what to say and how to say it. I...i feel like i need to say something to get all these emotions off my chest to people who dont know me and to people who cant call me crazy (although if im sane the human race is more than likely screwed) Ive probably said some of these things before and its not really a confession i guess but i feel like I need to say something... well a few things. i apologies for the long intro ( i apologies too much apparently) and im sorry i cant quiet put how i feel into words that can truly describe it and some of the stuff im guessing isn't res appropriate.
im currently taking sertraline, a drug for depression and anxiety. my dad dosnt know, i didn't even want my mum to know (there separated) but she had to give me a lift to the doctors (i told her it was for something else, which i also asked the doctor about) and she had to pick up my preion. I didn't have much choice but to tell her, ive tried telling her how I feel and think but all I got back was a drunken slur that translated to "how the hell do you think i feel after what your sister and your dad put me through". I love my mum dearly but my dad has done nothing, she is the one who had an affair and put my dad through alot of poop. my sister on the other hand... im slightly ashamed of thinking it but years of her behaviour has made me blame her for most of this kufuffel, my issues, my mums issues, my other sisters issues and even my mums affair, drinking problems and the break up of our family. As I said im ashamed of thinking it and i love her too but I simply cant help thinking it even though i know it might be over dramatic and there is lots of different things that contributed. there are too many things that she has done to list but im now a mental wreak, what she dos/did was basically emotional/ mental abuse. she made you feel worthless, pathetic, beaten and just over all suicidal, when things got worse and after trying everything they possibly could to make her realise what she was doing my mum and dad called a social worker. around the same time we found out my granddad had cancer and was, in essence, not going to be around for much longer. this fantastic man taught me how to walk, helped me learn to write and basically took care of me for a long, long time while my mum and dad were working. i used to be with him and my grandma more than my parents back then. the real kick in the teeth came when he died the day before they were going to let him come home. I went with my mum and dad to see my Gran a few days later. the special bed they had set up for him was still downstairs and the house was basically empty. all there possessions were still there, everything was always as it had been, clean and homely, but he was gone and so was the warmth. i loved him dearly and miss him every minuet of every day :(.
i was going to write more... more about my anxiety but i feel a bit emotionally worn but better so i guess ill just leave it.
if anyone ever wants to talk or anything feel free to send an Rmail
~
sorry for it being so long xD i guess if i went on with everything it would be an essay
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6:28pm Sep 9 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 4,744
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I don't want to press anything on you, but have you ever tried God? That has been my answer to absolutely everything. If I hadn't had God in my life, I probably would have put a gun to my head years ago. He's kept me sane, and when I feel like there is no one there for me, I think of Him, and I talk to Him, and I really feel like He listens. If I ever have a horrible day, and I pray about it, I feel like He helps me through it by sending me some encouraging and helpful. It is said that the best of us is brought out in our worst moments. God doesn't even need people to talk to you. He always talks to me with songs, sending the right thing on my playlist or radio right when I need it. That kind of thing, you, you just can't describe it. Most of the time I break down crying, realizing that He has been giving me hope, comfort, and the answer the entire time, and I just ignored it. He has been the answer to all of my problems, and he helps me so much. About your sister, God is a God of love and forgiveness. Maybe praying to Him and believing in Him will give you courage to forgive her.
So, yeah. If you aren't a Christian, i seriously encourage checking it out, and if you are, I consider getting deeper into the Bible. i know I couldn't do anything without thinking there is someone who knows everything and is always watching out for me, even when I disobey his most important and direct orders.
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7:31pm Sep 9 2012
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Support
Posts: 1,585
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I would love to confess, I would like to tell you how I really feel but I know it will hurt you too much. I do love you, but lately I've just been focusing on the things I don't really love about you. You're so kind and sweet, I don't want to break your heart, but I just don't think we'd make it that far. I am of course the bad one, the girl your friends will make fun of after we're through, but I can't lie to you. I can't waste your time. I don't know if to tell you or wait to see if I will feel any different. I'm starting to wonder if there's any one out there for me, or if in every relationship I will soon feel out of loop. I have no idea what to do now, but I guess it's good to get it out. I think I'll wait a few more days in case this feeling will pass.
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4:07am Sep 23 2012
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Artist
Posts: 3,187
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Mega- I was when I was younger but I kind of (this might sound bad) grew out of it |D some times i just end up talking to "him/she/it/god" if im in a very desperate situation but then i feel bad. i find religion interesting tho xD
and Tryst- ii hope everything sorted its self out C:
So back for another rant/ confession/ list ~ Im sick of my life sometimes, but that makes me feel bad I feel like a wast of space sometimes, but that makes me feel bad Id do alot of things differently but the worst things ill keep the same, that makes me feel bad Im fed up, i always talk others through their problems, i always do my best to help but when im in need or feeling down suddenly poof, those people are gone or I simply get "oh poor you, well so and so memeblahmemeblahblahmylifeidhorridbecuaseaboydosntfancymeblah" even my own mother, this... this makes me selfish I feel stuck, everyone moving forward and away, link this back to me being a wast of space, while i try to find another job Im quite morbid despite my happy demeanour im paranoid (but my anxiety pills help)
so thats the list of stuff thats bugging me today :/ now i feel whinny and that makes me feel bad
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12:33pm Sep 23 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 4,744
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At least you still sometimes reach out to God. ever heard the saying that goes sort of like: "In your worst moments, your best self appears"? Think about that. If in your worst moments you reach out to Him, that saying might be trying to tell you something. I don't believe you can ever really "grow out of" Jesus. You just leave sometimes, and He comes back and finds you again someday. I'm praying for you :)
Don't feel bad! Sure, life is horrible a lot of the time, but it is best to always try to stay positive, even though sometimes you might not achieve it. Instead of focusing on the time where you messed up or hated yourself, focus on the time you spend with friends and family. If you are having just the worst day ever, think about the little things. Like the flowers and trees outside, or how you heard your favorite song on the radio on your way to school/work. Also, don't feel bad because you are winy. I wine way more than that every day, but my glass somehow manages to gain a few drops instead of lose some. The glass is more than half full, you just have to trust that it is before you can start to see it.
Confession time again. I have a really bad problem of forgetting things. I can never remember to do my homework, read my book report book, practice my clarinet, or run over my taekwondo form to name a few. Stuff just flies in one ear and comes out the other. Most of the time I end up doing everything at the last minute, and it is extremely frustrating.
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10:46pm Oct 20 2012
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Normal User
Posts: 337
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Bump! In the nick of time. I hope this thread never dies. It's great how people confess their feelings, <3
: )
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8:32pm Oct 22 2012 (last edited on 5:31am Oct 23 2012)
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Normal User
Posts: 2,021
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Uh Confession time? i havent' posted here in a while but whatever.
...
I hate looking at my wrists. It makes me wonder why i do this to myself. blahhh so stupid asldkf;lahsdg
yeah, so maybe i self harm a little.
/shot But it's not a everyday thing, i've got it under control, and i'm getting better.
And i'm not looking for pity or whatever. I don't need people to tell me they're sorry for me because I'm fine. (and I don't mean to be rude to all you lovely ressies).
I'm just putting this out there to make a point - that it really angers me when i hear all this stuff about "Oh, people who cut themselves are so selfish they don't think of anyone other than themselves and they're attention seekers etc" or "They just do it because they want to die."
That's not how it is. Because i know others who have done it and that's not the point - to seek attention and make people feel bad for you. No.
And that's not why i do it either. I do it because after pushing down my emotions for so long and pretending to be happy all the time, I've learned to make myself feel numb. Cut so that i can feel something that i know isn't a lie (if that makes sense.) It's a way of making the pain physical, which is easier to deal with than when it's only internal. And it's a cycle. It made me hate myself more and i started to believe that I deserved this.
And i know it's effing contradicting for me to be putting this out there and saying "i'm not looking for attention" but I'm not. i'm aware that not everyone thinks this way. But ... i don't know, i guess it's meant to be an eye-opener for some, and a way for me to get this off my chest.
/flees/
  <---HA by shino || Buck by Zen---> |
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