I've done a line-by-line crit for you. :] Please take all this with a pinch of salt - I don't hate you, your story, your writing ability, etc. I'm merely trying to help. If you don't agree with what I say, I don't mind, just ignore it.
The words in red are spelling fixes, and the words in blue are critiques.
Chap. 1.
I opened my eyes for the first time since the accident to a blinding light. Blurry figures of doctors swam in front of me. A woman flashed the light in my eyes again.
Since the accident? He remembers the accident later on, which would imply that he did not remember it until then. Just saying, “I opened my eyes to a blinding light” would work. If the figures are blurry he probably would not recognise them as doctors, so “blurry figures swam in front of me” or “blurry human figures swan in front of me” might make more sense.
"James? Are you there, … looked sombre and … question.
The only critique I have of this is that it’s not necessary to skip a line in speech unless someone else has already spoken in that line. Making a new line for James to say “Mom?” or for the nurse to say what she’s about to say is not necessary. Very tiny thing, but you might want to think about it. :]
"James, honey," She always called me honey. But from the stupid hospital soap operas, I learned that when someone you don't know calls you honey- it never means that the sun is shining.
"Honey, your parents have p*censored*ed on. I'm terribly sorry."
Once again, not necessary to put a line break in. He says, “She always called me honey”, but it seems that he has not been in hospital for long. If by she you mean his mother, then replacing she with mom/mum would make more sense. The first period should be a comma, and the dash is not needed.
Then it all … the parkway.
I feel that “the sickening crunch” would work better than crash in this situation. He has just been told that his parents died, so “It seems that my parents were killed” or “My parents must have been killed” would make a little more sense.
"Why am I … had no idea.
Balloons and air tend to be related with happiness and joy rather than sorrow, so maybe “hit me like an arrow” or “seeped through me like poison” or something similar would work better. Smushed is a bit of a clumsy word, killed, smashed, etc are a little more suitable in this situation.
Without a plan, … from the room.
The slash is kinda jarring. I would suggest picking one term and getting rid of the other. How does he know the age of the nurse?
Chap. 2
The first two chapters would probably be fused together and still make sense. I know a chapter can be any length, but a single chapter would work equally well, if not better than two.
Panting, …Male
Not sure if reading the tag is necessary. The reader does not really need to know his date of birth, and that is just about all the information they get.
Bursting through … Emergency driveway. Skidding to … watching you? Yeah, well I …
growing inside me.
Putting a question mark next to the deion is very jarring. Using “figure” or “person” would work the same way without disrupting the flow of the story.
The strange … bee allive."
Using “strange” twice in quick succession feels awkward. Replacing the second one with “odd” or something similar would work. The sentence “Strange, because it was mid-July” seems a little out of nowhere, it would flow better if it read “I shivered, even though the air was warm and summery” or similar. Repeating the letters in the speech patterns of the “man” seems a little odd – describing his voice as raspy and hollow, as you have done, is sufficient deion..
Chap. 3
Once again, this could be merged with chapter two.
"What?!?!" I …be here? Again, I spun … he rasped.
A sentence should only end with one punctuation mark – not four. A question mark would work best. “Gawked” implies a fascination – this guy seems pretty impartial, so “rested on me” or “stared in my direction” might be better.
My eyes … dead parents. Stifling sobs, I …hoursss to liive."
This bit’s pretty good. :] One small thing, though, is that the sudden change in narrator is a bit awkward. Maybe make it in italics or skip a line or something?
Chap. 4
I awoke … down the draughty hall. Sleep … swept past me. … my feet.
My sole problem with this bit is that he doesn’t seem particularly upset by the death of his parents. I mean, he seems a bit put out and obviously not happy, but sighing does not give me the impression that he is really sad.
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"Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside us and sometimes they win." ~Stephen King
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