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EmoRotweiler

10:55am May 16 2009

Normal User


Posts: 923

Paws pounding against the damp mossy ground, his blueish-gray ears pinned against his skull. Grunts from the bleeding deer confirmed its weakness, the deer tripped collapsing into a heap of blood and flailing limbs, until RiverDancer ended its life with a hardy blow to the throat. After they ate their fill,they left the corpse for their camp.Within an hour they were home, SilverMoon lay in her den nursing her two pups, BlueMouth and SpiritWalker.BlueTounge bounded towards the mouth of the den and coughed up a pile of slimy deer meat,in which SilverMoon quickly consumed, leaving no evidence that it was there.

A loud crackling sound echoed through the forest,birds took flight as a large elm tree plummets toward the forest floor. " BlueTounge"MoonEyes began," thats the fourth elm to collapse today..."                                                  

 "I know but-", A bear's Roar sounded off at the edge of the clearing.

                         




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Morgain

1:02pm May 16 2009

Normal User


Posts: 934

I admit, I lost interest. Th more details you add, the more realistic your story will be. Remember to round out your characters, too. None of these wolves have a personality I can relate to, meaning that this will become a book that readers will put down.

Characters should be round, like a ball, where you can see them from every angle. You characters seem flat, like paprer, where we can only see one side of the character. It's quite boring, acctually.

Also, it doesn't seem very wolf-like. There is a wolf book called "The Sight," and it constantly reminds the reader that these are wolves the story is about. The characters rarely make eye contact with eachother, and the author portrays characteristics that real wolves have. HE spent alot of time researching the animals before he wrote about them. I seggest you do the same.

Also, the names seem like the names from"Warriors," and there is acctually a book about a wolf titled "Spitir Walker." When I wright, I try to be aware of these things, because, as authors, we don't want to be sued for copyright.

 

Hope this helps!




Offline; back and looking to get roleplaying again (as well as reviving my poor pets!)
EmoRotweiler

2:04am May 17 2009

Normal User


Posts: 923
trust meh i do meh research,i read wolf books,study them,im pure wolf fanatic and it does get more intresting, and i know its like warriors. and alot of books but im not gonna get it published if i did it would be only 72 pages but my first time at writing



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Insane

2:04am May 21 2009

Normal User


Posts: 2,422
I must agree with Morgain.I have seen better roleplaying,sorry.Try a little more detial and large words.I would be happy to help you if you want.Please email me at wolfz4eva@gmail.com if you want some help ^_^



"An Insane is a small creature that zips from person to person at hyper speed, stealing wallets and hearts in equal measure..." -Dmann
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