Why It Rains


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gardenias

11:27am Nov 3 2012 (last edited on 11:29am Nov 3 2012)

Normal User


Posts: 116

Wrote a monomyth for my english class, and this is it. Got an A+. Wanted some critique on it from the Res Community. :) Format might be a bit off though.


Why it Rains


            There once was a girl named Briar, who lived in a small town off the shores of a vast ocean. She had red hair, like the colour leaves turn in autumn. She walked through a forest near the shores alone, gazing at the sky and nature in silence. When she reached the shore, she ran her hand over the large logs of rough driftwood that scattered the shore. She sat down on one of the logs farther away from where the waves crashed against the shore. No birds were in sight, though she could hear the faint birdcall of gulls and crows. The waves were getting higher now, crashing against the shore, the water already soaking her feet. Briar rose to her feet, brushed the dirt off her dress, grabbed her shoes off the log, and began to jog back to her home. She lived alone, an orphan who ran away from the Orphanage five years ago. People knew that she wasn’t supposed to be living alone, but she was nice enough that they didn’t mind her living in the town. When she reached her home she reached in her dress pocket and pulled out a rusted house key. It was a miracle it still worked in the keyhole. No, it was a miracle this house had not collapsed or blown away yet. She walked into her house, the walls moldy, wallpaper faded and peeling off the walls. The couches were damp, from the many holes in the roof and walls. The windows! Briar scolded herself, running throughout the house to close all the windows she had opened before she walked through the forest. The house shook as a gust of wind roared. She could have sworn the door opened and closed just then, but the door hadn’t moved.  She set her shoes down at the door and went to the far corner of the room, where her bed and dresser was. She changed out of her dress, which now was damp and had bits of sand sticking to the bottom. She changed into her mother’s old dress, one of the few items she managed to salvage from all her old things which were either burned or taken as the Orphanage’s belongings. She ran her fingers though her hair, wet and plastered to her face. Briar’s hands continued down her neck, making sure she still had her most prized possession. Her necklace, a gold chain with a solid gold pendant shaped as her mother’s dog. As far as she knew, the dog was still alive, wandering the wharfs and helping the fisherman with their boats. She slipped on a pair of flats made out of fabric, all worn down and filthy. Briar grabbed a comb and ran it through her hair a couple times, tied her hair up with a ribbon, finishing it off with a satisfying bow. She was about to sit down on the couch, when she heard a whisper. “A storm is coming, Briar.”  Briar’s eyes widened, whipping around to see where the voice came from. “Do not be afraid.” The door opened and slammed shut. Briar let out a scream, running for the door. The door was jammed, even with a few hard shoves it would not budge. The wind stopped and the sun began to peek out of the dark storm clouds. “Briar. Listen to me.” said the voice, becoming noticeably louder, as if it was speaking into Briar’s ear…  Briar stood still, her hand falling to her side, reluctantly giving up on opening the door. “Good. Now listen to everything I have to say.” Briar looked around, and spoke softly. “Go on. I’m listening.”  The breeze began to pick up again, the sun still shining through the clouds. The voice began to speak. “We have watched you for years, Briar.”  Briar opened her mouth to speak, but had the sense to close it again. The voice continued. “We need your help to defeat someone, and only you, Briar, possess the power to do so.” Briar grew frustrated, anger beginning to rise in the back of her throat. “Who are you?! Why are you watching me? If you’ve been watching me, than why didn’t you help me?!  Am I your entertainment? Your puppet show?!” The voice didn’t respond for a few moments. “We are not sinister, Briar. We need your help.” Briar let out a long sigh. “Fine then.” Just then, a large wind buffeted Briar and she fell to the ground like a marionette doll without strings. Her body went limp, and her breathing grew ragged and shallow. Finally, as the storm began again, her breathing stopped completely.

 


Briar woke up in a forest, similar to the one she had walked in the other day. Am I dead?  She thought. “Ah. I see you’ve awakened.” Briar opened her eyes and saw nothing. She bl[injection]inked a few times and then saw a woman, maybe in her 40’s or so, wearing a long dress, and over that she wore a cloak that covered half of her dress and almost all of her face. She could see something shining underneath the cloak, and Briar could easily tell it was a sword.  “Are you ready?” Briar eye’s widened as she asked, “For what?” The woman smiled slightly. She thought Briar was kidding. “You are going to Kelatin, where you must kill the Skyguard.” Briar looked down, at her current clothes, white dress, white shoes. “In this?” Briar asked. The woman grinned. “Of course not. Let’s get you ready.” Briar followed the woman, looking around. She could see little eyes watching her, and tried to ignore them. When they reached their destination, Briar looked in awe. It was a small fortress, with guards watching and guarding the gates. “This is Briar, guards. Let us in. She needs to be outfitted immediately.” The woman called out. Briar whispered into the woman’s ear. “You’re the voice who talked to me in my house, right?” The woman looked into Briar’s eyes, and Briar could see the regret in the woman’s eyes. What is she regretting? Briar thought to herself.  The woman nodded, and led Briar into the fortress. A chest was in the middle of the foyer. The woman opened it and pulled out a black cloak, leather boots, and leather armour. She also pulled out a bow and some arrows, and two steel daggers, sharp as flint. “Take the armour.” She said. She pointed to an iron door. “Go in there and change. I will wait here.” Briar nodded and picked up the armour, and walked up to the iron door and pushed it open. She closed it and proceeded to change. The leather armor was surprisingly warm, and it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. She started to slide on the boots, seeing a small blade tucked discreetly in a little pocket in her left boot, sliding it on anyway and then finally pulling on the gloves. Lastly, she put on the cloak, leaving the hood down. Briar pushed the iron door open again and carried out the old clothes she had been wearing. “I’ll keep these safe, don’t worry.” The woman said, putting them in the chest and locking it with a key. Just then, a man, maybe in his 70’s, walks into the fortress. The woman turns and waves. “Hello Eltrysis! I was just about to introduce myself to Briar.” The woman turned to face Briar again and said. “I am Jade, ruler of our guild here.” Briar nodded. Eltrysis walks up to Briar and runs his wrinkly fingers through her hair. “She is the right one, surely.” Eltrysis says. “She must go at once!” Jade nods and whispers into Briar’s ear. “Go west, until you see a tall fortress, with one guard.  You must defeat him. If you die, all hope is lost.” Briar nodded, and was about to leave, but then Eltrysis said, “Wait! I must give you this.” He clapped his hands once, and then a dark black horse trotted in, letting out an impatient snort. “That horse is powerful, and magical. Use him well, Briar.” Briar nodded, and without being told twice, she mounted the horse and galloped into the forest.

 

                The rapid thump, thump of hooves was going to give Briar away sooner or later. She yanked back on the reins and the horse let out a snort, eager to keep going. When the horse came to a complete stop, she put her feet deep in the stirrups and stood up, looking around. She could see the flag of the fortress now. Her stomach twisted in knots. She dismounted, and started to walk. The horse followed her, letting out snorts of displeasure. “Stay!” Briar whispered sternly. The horse simply pawed at the earth with his hooves. “I’ll be back. I promise.”  She grabbed her bow from her back and grabbed an arrow from her quiver, the arrow coated in black poison. Don’t miss. She thought. She readied the bow, aiming at the guard. She had a clear shot. She let go of the arrow, watching it fire. But she had misjudged the backlash the bow had, and the arrow shot higher than she aimed, sailing over the guard’s head. He pulled out his sword, jagged and shining in the sun. Briar’s heart jumped to her throat as she threw the bow to the ground, running back to her horse. But he had vanished. She heard the rapid thump, thump against the ground. Briar looked around wildly for the black horse, then, saw it had charged behind the guard, rearing and stomping down with his hooves. The guard fell to his knees, stunned. She grabbed the two daggers from the sides of her pants and charged forward, finishing him off. When his breathing stopped, she looked up at the sky. Dark clouds were covering the moon. She searched the guard, and pulled out a note. It read,
 
Dear Skyguard,

 

The Darklight Guild has finally found her. Briar, she is named. I have gained enough information to guess that she has been sent here to kill you. I am not aware of her appearance, just that she has bright green eyes and long red hair. If you shall die, she will gain access to us. You must not let that happen. We have faith in you, young Skyguard.

 

Sincerely,
 TSK

 

Briar felt sick. She walked into the fortress with a simple push of the door. She looked around. She saw a blue light, the colour of the sky. She walked up to it, and then she was suddenly knocked to the ground.

 


She woke up on a white, fluffy surface. She panicked, but then realized that she was on a cloud. She looked down, but instantly regretted it. Everything seemed tiny. Briar leapt to her feet, looking around. She then saw a tiny little fairy, watching with amusement. “Who are you?” she squeaked. “I’m Briar.” Briar replied flatly. “Oh. You must be thirsty. Would you like something to drink?” the fairy grinned. Briar eyed the little fairy. “Sure. Thanks.” The fairy zoomed off, and was gone for almost too long. “Here!”  The fairy grinned. Briar gulped the water down. The fairy flittered about, doing twirls. When Briar finished, she asked, “So, who is this Sky King, people have been talking about? And something about him being sad?” The fairy began to explain. “Well, the King is usually happy. But when he’s sad, he cries. And when he cries, it rains. When he’s really said, it pours rain. And occasionally he’ll cause thunder.” The fairy smirked. “That’s the problem with your people, Briar. That Jade and Eltrysis don’t know that the King can’t be killed. He’s immortal, and you could do all the vilest things to him, and he just wouldn’t die.” Briar smiled. “I see now. Why can’t I just make him happy?” the fairy shrugged. “I never thought about that. But the King NEVER gets visitors, other than guards, of course. If the guards see you, they kill you. You have to kill all of them to be able to see the king.” Briar thought for a moment. “What does the King like?” the fairy looked at Briar as if she was utterly stupid. “The King loves flowers! They always make him happy. But when one dies, he cries. Sometimes the flowers just die. Sometimes it’s the invasive vines that kill them.” Briar listened closely. “I have an idea to get rid of all the guards.”


Briar waved the Darklight Guild flag in the air, thanks to the fairy’s help. She heard the guards talking to each other. Then she heard yelling. She placed the flag on the cloud and ran off into the shadows. The guards charged forward, and were unaware of how the cloud was too weak to hold any weight, besides the flag and Briar. The first twenty plunged to the ground. There were 30 guards in total, and 20 had just plunged to their deaths. 10 remained. As they looked around to see where they went, another 5 fell off the clouds. Briar watched intently. Then, according to plan, the tiny little fairy fluttered by the guards faces, going on about where Briar was. She led them away from Briar, and then the last five fell through the clouds. The fairy gave a thumbs up, and Briar walked out of the shadows. “Good job!” Briar cheered. “Let’s see the King.” Briar said, walking towards the palace where the king lived. “No. I can’t. I helped you. That’s all I wanted to do.” The fairy looked sincere, but she could see something else in her eyes. Was it an evil twinkle she saw in her eyes? “Alright, I’ll never forget you.” she called out, as the fairy fluttered up into the sky, until she vanished.

 

 Briar entered the palace that the king lived in. She saw the King, tending his garden. He looked up from his garden, and smiled. “You’re the one that defeated my guards! I am so thankful for your help. Please, take this as a token of my appreciation.”  He pointed to a little flower, growing in a pot. “Thank you.” The King continued watering. “Now, tell me your name.” Briar said bravely. “My name is Briar.” The King dropped the watering can, and he remained still for a moment. “I thought you were dead.” He muttered, half to himself. Briar asked. “Why would I be dead?” Then, the tiny little fairy flew in, fluttering beside the King. “I poisoned you. I put poison in the water you drank.” the fairy admitted. Briar pulled one of the daggers from the sides of her pants. “You traitor! I trusted you!” Briar exclaimed. The King started to speak. “Do you know why you are named Briar?” he asked. Briar shook her head. “No, I don’t know. What else do I not know besides a fairy who tried to poison me and an entire castle residing in the clouds?” she spat the words out bitterly. The King explained calmly, “When you were born, your mother’s rose garden was riddled with briars. It was a sign that you were going to be nothing but trouble.” Briar was about to yell something at the King, but her voice was cut short. Briar crumpled to the ground, trying to stand, but finally, she went limp. The King watched with no sympathy, while the fairy disappeared.  Briar’s body turned into a pile of briars, with a single rose and dagger entwined in them.

 

 

It still rains, even though Briar is long dead, the invasive plant never fails to kill some of the King’s prized garden, and hence, why it rains.

 

 

 

The End

 

 

 

 


 




I won\'t be on rescreatu ever again...I\'m sorry. D:
Arrow

6:43pm Nov 29 2012

Normal User


Posts: 3,828
A first critique before I actually even attempt to read the piece: your paragraphs are monstrous. The first paragraph can probably be split up in a few different paragraphs. When you have huge blocks like that, it makes the reader less inclined to read. 

Also, I notice you like to clump dialogue up in paragraphs. Paragraphs are there to establish new ideas, new trains of thought. Whenever you turn the focus to a new ob
ject, character, or whatever, you should have a paragraph break. 

I have no idea if there is more than one character (didn't even attempt with the big blocks of writing) but dialogue is usually broken up into paragraphs as long as single sentences. There are exceptions, yes. When two characters are speaking, you must start a new paragraph when a different character talks. Even if it's just one character talking, the same thing that applies to my second paragraph as I wrote, applies to this too. If your character is speaking and the topic shifts, a new paragraph should be formed.

Definitely work on that and you'll get more readers. No one likes reading big walls of text. 





hello my name is elder price
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