The Renegade Arms (critique wanted)


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Titanium

12:09pm Sep 23 2011 (last edited on 1:06pm Oct 3 2011)

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The Renegade Arms

Chapter 1

The Renegade Arms was known as the best tavern around this area. It was an old building from the middle of the era. It had wooden bolsters running up its outside and stain glass windows showing excellent artistry of the early ages. However inside was a different story. Full of its usual visitors, the Renegade Arms looked more bedraggled and unkempt than even the Poltergeist Inn. Its cream leather chairs now shone with sweat that dripped off the old orcs gathered around watching Smash-a-Skull.

This game was played by the orcs and the orcs alone. It took place in a rather battered and unstable arena, which was about 10 metres in diameter. It was a gruesome game and involved the laceration of a head to excavate the skull. When all the skulls are emptied and polished they are then lashed onto the orclings heads within the range. They are then to be blindfolded and placed on either side of the arena.

Then it begins, a ferocious stamp emanates from the footfalls of the orcs as the orclings prepare to charge. They crouch, muscles bunching, hearts pounding, blood rushing. “URGHHH” An elder orc screeches the command and the orclings begin. Releasing their bunched up muscles and running, head down into each other. A sharp crack as skull meets skull and the orclings round off and return to their posts, ready to charge again. As the sweat cascades down the orclings backs; making them sheen like a black gem; the orcs dispensed a bottle of hijn-bane to the orclings so they could carry on the combat for another couple of butts. Hijn-bane was a concoction of a rare plant and blood from a sheep or cow that built stamina. As both orclings ceased drinking their heads fell forwards and once more the crouch was resumed. This time no screech was needed and the orclings bounded forward in almost two strides and collided with a catastrophic bang. The whole tavern began to shake as the orclings drifted apart, both dazed by the concussion.

As the tavern settled back down one of the orclings, named Joiac fell unconscious to the floor, while the other, named Schwahht did not. This on its own decided the fate of these two soon-to-be orcs. As Schwahht was lifted triumphantly and removed from the arena to have his skull removed and brandished with the rest of his tribes’ skulls, Joiac was left defeated, and rejected. His only hope now would be to join another race or go renegade.

After gathering his energy, Joiac removed his blindfold and skull, which were only partly lashed onto his head after the tremendous clash. His face was masked in his own blood and sweat, which he wiped away with his bare forearm. Now his face was half-recognisable as a young orc and much younger than he should be to take part in smash-a-skull.

His face was very defined with deep-set eyes, which were dazzling blue in the setting sun. Orcs don’t normally have hair but he found himself to be very different, in the fact that he had long black hair. His skin colour often made him stand out from the rest of his tribe. Orcs were a dark greyish black colour, which helped them under the cover of darkness to find food. He on the other hand had a pale creamy colour skin. He stood out in the night-time so therefore was not allowed to go hunting, for fear of scaring off the prey.

Being an orc meant that he had strength beyond any other race, this is apart from the races that use mistyre; more commonly known as magic; so he was able to get up and remove himself from any further damage. As he picked his way through some dingy old alleys that went down the back of the tavern, he came upon something that no ordinary Orc would have seen.

It was a partially visible hole in the ground, about 40 yards ahead of him. He rubbed his eyes thinking what he was seeing was some sort of apparition, but it was still there when he looked again, this time allowing his curiosity to take over he took a few paces towards the hole. Now he could see it more clearly, it was about as big as a drain cover. He moved a little closer until he was crouched by the edge of it. As he sat listening he could hear the drone of a drum accompanied by the bang and clang of metal on metal. Maybe a forgery? He had no idea. He looked around, even though he knew no one would be there. He decided to take a look. What had he got to lose?

First he dropped a stone in to see how far down it went, but was satisfied when it hit the bottom after only a few seconds. Hearing no other commotion he lowered himself into the space. His feet were touching the floor while the hole he was going through was at his chest, so he crouched down and looked around. It was very dusty and murky and he could only see for a few feet ahead. Taking one last look at his beloved world he ventured into the unknown.




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MidnightRainbows

3:41pm Sep 23 2011 (last edited on 6:24pm Sep 24 2011)

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I like it *w* Nobody ever writes stories about orcs, they're so underated, so double props for writing a cool story about orcs. x3 I like how you took the time to describe the game and the tavern, but the beginning was really dragggeddddd ooouuuutttt So maybe next time try to do  some of the describing as they're playing the game? Because the beginning of the story is when you need to snag the readers attention. ;) Good story though, I'm looking forward to chapter two. C:



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Titanium

3:52pm Sep 23 2011

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Posts: 420
Awesome, thanks Midnight, that is real critiquing right there, i appreciate it ;D



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Llama

4:12pm Sep 23 2011

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Posts: 777
I'm not really good at reviewing stuff but just thought I would say, I like the concept. It's intriguing and not heared of anything similar :3 Orcs ftw




Mercy

6:03pm Sep 24 2011 (last edited on 6:06pm Sep 24 2011)

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I like the concept and you explained it well from the point which it began... but I might want a bit of the history of these orcs to :3 I was a bit at a loss as for why those orcs were there and for what reason they had started that tradition. Good job on the deions at the beginning... but it seemed to loose some of the detail as you go on. A story needs to hold that level set at the beginning through the entire thing. :D I look forward to the next chapter though.




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Eternityfox

6:19pm Sep 24 2011 (last edited on 6:19pm Sep 24 2011)

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Liish, very interesting story. (: but, maybe start it differently? maybe with the smash-a-skull, cuz it's interesting and grabs reader's attention, so they'll keep reading. then you could describe the location, introduce "The Renegade Arms", etc. 

hope i helped. (:



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Titanium

6:27pm Sep 24 2011

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Posts: 420
Thanks guys, very helpful indeed. I will have a play around with the story and see how it turns out ;D <3



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diamondwing

7:16pm Sep 24 2011

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Posts: 255

please continue! by the way,(I know how this sounds) what exactly are orcs?



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