Poetry today.


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BOBISBOB

10:19pm Jun 1 2012 (last edited on 6:33pm Jun 2 2012)

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Posts: 895
My writer self has taken a break and is writing. None of these poems have titles. So if you have an idea, feel free to suggest.

Untitled

The world spins.
No purpose around me. The wind shapes the earth, the earth shapes the wind.
September has started, ended as well.
The world spins around me.
If it has a meaning, no one has told.
I'm still.
Yet I spin with the world.

You said that you would come back.
I gave it to you.
But you didn't care. 
I poured my heart out. 
I died for you.
Did you even care?
Did you feel even a small stab of pain?
I cared. 
I had swords run through my body.
Yet you didn't care.


Feel free to post your poems here. 



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BOBISBOB

10:21pm Jun 1 2012 (last edited on 6:33pm Jun 2 2012)

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Posts: 895
Another.

The cold bites at me. 
But the sun beats down. 
The snow wets my tounge. 
But so does the sweat. 
The dagger pierces. 
Yet I feel no pain.
Becuase I have drawn the truth from a thousand lies. 
From you. 



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Arrow

7:53am Jun 2 2012

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Posts: 3,828
With the poem that starts with "The cold bites me," I think it'd be best, where at the third line, you put a break before the "But so does the sweat." I say this because in your first two lines, you have the opposites, the buts separated. 
"The cold bites at me.
But the sun beats down.
The snow wets my tongue.
But so does the sweat."

See?

I absolutely love the ending to the poem:
"The dagger pierces.
Yet I feel no pain.
Because I have drawn the truth from a thousand lies.
From you."

The from you is just so strong there, especially since it's so short and coming after such a beautifully worded line prior to it.

I wanted to comment first on the poem I liked the most.

The first one you have up there, I don't really get the idea or what you're trying to say in it. The one that you sort of separated from that--I'm assuming it's another poem because it has a totally different tone--is very good also. One thing I would change is the second to last line.

"I had swords ran through my body."

Ran should be run. :3

All in all, you have a good ear for poetry and how words sound together. Keep writing!





hello my name is elder price
BOBISBOB

6:35pm Jun 2 2012

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Posts: 895
Thanks. It was really helpful. I will be adding probably at least a poem a day. 



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