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VampireShadows

5:31pm Nov 1 2009 (last edited on 5:42pm Nov 15 2009)

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Posts: 681

Watcha think~

Chap:1

She ran. Farther than she ran in her whole life. She ran past the safe comfort of her mother’s warm hugs, from the beautiful trees that sheltered her den, from the angry people who invaded her home. That was it. That was the reason she ran. The reason everything around her seemed to fall apart. The reason she needed to run in the first place. She could hear her mother’s shrieks of pain. She could hear the blazing sounds of the human’s fire sticks. She ran until one noise, over them all, called her. It was not her mother, or her father, not even her little brother’s voice made such a heavenly sound as this. No, this sound was the sound of one of her biggest fears… a wolf. She jumped up and continued to run. One wolf’s voice turned into three, and three turned into seven, until a whole pack was running after her. She could feel their breath on her heels and she gave one frantic leap, over a log, into a river. She wailed as the roaring waters pulled her under. She pushed her paws harder and harder, until, she lost the strength, and will, to keep pushing. She felt herself go numb. And the last thing she felt was a paw pull her out of the water, and then everything went blank.

“… … Nayah… Nayah….."

Someone was calling her name. She couldn’t make out the voice. It wasn’t her mom’s, her father’s or her brother’s. She gently lifted her black paw, then another. She shook her ebony pelt, trying to shake the sleepiness off her. She opened her dark, honey brown eyes, and she looked at the brownish grey figure in front of her. “Kinto? “  She longed to hear her brother’s voice, even though she knew it wasn’t going to be his. Nayah shook herself once more, and layed her eyes on the creature. She realized what it was.  A wolf pup. Nayah was about to yell, but the little wolf put his paw on her muzzle. “Shhh….. You’ll wake the others. “And sure enough, when Nayah looked around her, wolves of every shape and size surrounded her.  She was going to yell again, but the wolf covered her muzzle again. “Shh! You’re going to wake them! They don’t know you’re awake yet. “He started to lead Nayah away from the wolves’ den. Once outside, the wolf gave her a warm smile. “We have been waiting for you Nayah. “ He smiled wider. “I am Hijak. “ Nayah frowned. “How do you know who I am? Where am I? How…” Hijak cut her off. “Too many questions. The Alpha male will answer them all. Until then, you have to wait. “Nayah frowned. What does he mean, Alpha male?  She thought. She craned her neck to look back at the den. Hijak smiled. “Until then, let’s play! “ He went down in a crouching position with his flank up. “Come on! Catch me! “He started to bound in one direction, sending the crisp gr*censored* that surrounded the wolves’ den flying, then gently falling back down with the early autumn breeze. Nayah didn’t know half the things that were happening. She shrugged and trotted over to Hijak. They played for good thirty-minutes, before Hijak ran right into a firm ob
ject. He looked up to see the Alpha male. His high tail suddenly dropped between his legs, and he crouched behind him. The Alpha male snorted with annoyance.  He lifted his m*censored*ive tail, and he stared at Nayah. “What are you doing out of the den? “  He bellowed. He seemed to be eight-feet tall to Nayah, but she was about half his size, since she was a young bear.  The Alpha male continued to stare at her. “Hijak. “  Hijak jumped. “Yes… father? “ Nayah almost fell over.  Father? The Alpha male is his Father? Nayah thought.

She couldn’t believe it. Hijak’s ears fell. The Alpha male straightened himself. “Take her to the den, her fate will be decided there. “ The Alpha male started to walk into the den. Hijak’s body trembled, and then returned to normal.  He walked over to Nayah, and set a paw on her shoulder. “Come on, it won’t be as bad as he says. “ But Nayah stopped dead in her tracks. “My fate? MY FATE? What does he mean by my fate?"

 Hijak looked down at his paws. “ I’m sorry, but you’re a bear, wolves and bears don’t mix. By fate he means…. What they will do to you. “ Nayah could feel her eyes water. “What to do with me? What to do with me? Oh no! I have to leave! “ She tried to escape, but the little wolf held her firm.  He gave a low growl. “If you run, they will run after you and KILL you! You may have a chance if you stay."

Nayah gave a low whimper, but she managed to walk into the wolves’ den.Hijak led Nayah into the heart of the den. They brushed past wolf after wolf after wolf, and none of them seemed to think otherwise then to kill her right then and there.The Alpha male was in the middle, along with a female.

“Whose that? “ Nayah whimpered. Hijak answered, “That’s my mo… I mean the Alpha female. “Hijak stuck his tail between his legs, and bowed. Then, he took off to a small group of pups, and gestured for Nayah to speak to them. But the Alpha female spoke first,

“Now, what should her fate be, any votes? “ Nayah’s heart sank. “They are all going to vote for me to die! “ Hijak slammed his paw on Nayah’s muzzle. “Shhh!  Stop that! “ The Alpha male snorted. “All in favor of the bear dieing, raise a paw. “Almost seventy-five percent of the wolves raised their paws. Nayah groaned. Hijak shushed her. The Alpha female frowned.

“Well, I guess that settles it, but do you really think…” The Alpha male snorted. “She must die. “ Hijak suddenly started to shake. “I…I can’t let you do that! “ He yelled. Nayah looked at him, surprised; she thought she was done for. Hijak looked at his father, and raised his trembling tail. “You can’t kill her, she is my friend! “ The Alpha male brought up a paw, and slammed the little wolf, sending him flying and crashing into a wall. “Hijak! “ She yelled. The Alpha male leaped in front of her. “The votes have been casted, your dead meat.

“ Nayah freaked, and took a step back, but wolves surrounded her on all sides. The Alpha male opened his mouth, and Nayah closed her eye, awaiting impact, but all of the sudden, she heard a load shriek of pain. She quickly opened her eyes, and she stared at Hijak, who was breathing heavily, full of adrenaline, with blood on his paw.

Nayah looked up, to see the Alpha male, with three long gashes on his face.  The Alpha male ganged up on his back legs, making him twelve feet taller than the eight feet he seemed to Nayah already. And Hijak leaped up to the Alpha male’s face, biting his scruff. “Run Nayah, RUN! “ He managed to say with his mouth full of fur. Nayah leaped out of the den, at least seven wolves were already behind her. Nayah pushed her stubby legs harder, trying frantically to save herself from the m*censored*ive wolves that chased her. 

A dark grayish brown shape loomed closer to her, and she thought the Alpha male was about to snap his jaws shut on her, but instead, the grey shape turned into Hijak’s  figure, and he pushed Nayah’s flank to give her some more speed. Nayah ran deeper into the forest, until Hijak grabbed her scruff and dragged her into a whole in a hollowed out tree.

“Shh!  They won’t find us if we hide here. “ And sure enough, as the wolves approached, the stopped and stiffed around, but almost all of them retreated, except the Alpha male and female. The Alpha female searched frantically, but the Alpha male snorted with annoyance. Nayah and Hijak could hear them arguing. “What did you do, Leon?! “ “I didn’t do anything, he attacked me, Luna. ““He was trying to defend her! “This made the Alpha male very angry. “He was trying to protect HER? He shouldn’t have been NEAR her! That little mutt should not have betrayed us! If I see that wolf again, I will have his head!" “How...could you be so cruel? ““Me? Cruel? Ha! You don’t know the meaning of the word, when I find that pup, oh, I shall be cruel. " And with that remark, the Alpha female stormed away, Nayah and Hijak could hear her sobbing loudly, and other wolves trying to comfort her. “HIJAK!!!"

The Alpha male bellowed. He snorted and trotted away. Nayah and Hijak could hear a great shuffling of paws grow fainter, and fainter, until it was gone. Hijak and Nayah sighed with relief, until something under them made them jump from their hiding place. A blondish brown head popped out from the hole. “Who are you? “ cried the creature. “WHAT are you. “ asked Hijak. “I am a wolverine, duh. “ Nayah cocked an eyebrow. “I’ve never seen one of you before. “ The little wolverine scratched his ear. “I haven’t seen something like you either. “ Nayah and Hijak cocked their heads. 

“ANYWAYS, I am Trojan, why were you in my hole? I was squished with you guys in there! “ Trojan sniffed Nayah and Hijak.  “Um… We were hiding from danger. “ Said Hijak. “DANGER? WHERE? “ screamed Trojan, as he jammed half of his body in the hole. “Don’t worry they are gone.  Where are your parents, Trojan? “ Nayah replied. “ They are gone. Yours are too, right? That’s why you are here. “Trojan crawled out of the hole, and shook the leaved off his honey blonde colored coat. Nayah and Hijak nodded. “Do you have a place we can sleep? “ Asked Hijak.

“Nah, no room. We could find some other place. “ Trojan suggested. Nayah looked down. “What’s wrong? “ Trojan asked. He stood next to her. “ Nothing... It’s just that, my whole family, was taken by humans. “ Trojan shivered. “Humans! HUMANS! Oh no! I’m so sorry. “ Trojan set his tiny paw on Nayah’s m*censored*ive shoulder. “ If it makes you feel better, I know were a black bear stays; he might be your brother. “ Nayah’s face lit up. “Really?! Can you take me there now? “ Trojan nodded. “ Yea, sure. But it’s a two day hike.” Hijak put a paw on Nayah’s free shoulder. “It’s not that bad, we can make it. “ Nayah was not convinced. “Nayah looked at them. “Thanks, but it will take to long, we will starve.

“ Trojan shook his head. “ Nah, blueberry bushes and rabbits cover the whole path there; never will be a shortage of food. Never. “Nayah looked at them.“ What about shelter, from the cold, autumn air?“ Trojan shook his head again. “Oh please, everywhere you go there are hollowed out trees and things, don’t worry. “Nayah was not convinced. “ Oh yeah? What about predators? What if one stalks us?“ Trojan shook his head once more. “Like I said, don’t worry, we will just run. There is no safer or shorter path to take, if you want to save you brother, I suggest we go along. 

 “ Nayah, Trojan, and Hijak looked up at the sky. It was a blanket of purple, with orange and pink swirls along the horizon on their left side. “We have to find somewhere to sleep, it’s getting dark, things will come out and try to catch us for an evening snack.“ Trojan led them to a very large jumble of boulders that looked very much like a shallow cave. “Here! We can all fit in this!” Trojan ran into it, not taking up much space at all. His blonde fur shined brightly in the moonlight. Nayah’s fur shone silver, and her brown muzzle shone black. Hijak shone black too, and looked like a walking shadow. Hijak crouched into the ‘cave’ and buried his head in Trojan’s fur. Nayah crouched behind Hijak, and buried her own head in his fur as well. Soon, they all dozed off, except for Nayah.

But what if it’s not my brother? What if it’s some unknown bear that is so hungry that he will eat us all for lunch?

She thought. She decided it was worth a try, and soon fell asleep as well.“…Nayah…..Nayah…”It was the same voice she heard the day before. She slowly opened her eyes, and she saw the same friendly figure. “Hey, let’s go, I’m starving!” Nayah picked herself up. “Where are we going?” Hijak cocked an eyebrow. “To find your brother, duh.” Nayah nodded, and Trojan got up as well, yawning a bit. “Off we go then.” The trio shook all the sleepiness off them, and they started off, leaving nothing, but the past, behind them.  One paw after another, Nayah, Hijak, and Trojan looked out for any rabbits to catch. “I thought you said there were tons of rabbits around.” Hijak asked. “There are! I swear! Look!”

Trojan gestured towards a plump, juicy rabbit eating some gr*censored*. “Shh… let’s creep up on him.“ They all crouched down in a stalking position, and crept toward the rabbit. The rabbit raised an ear, and the trio stopped dead in their tracks. The rabbit let down it’s ear, and Nayah jumped for the kill. She slammed down on nothing but ground and Hijak gave chase. He leaped for the rabbit, but it made a sharp turn, leaving Hijak in it’s dust. Trojan tried next, and flung his paw out, to stop the rabbit, and as it turned around, Nayah bit down on it’s neck, killing it instantly. She dropped it and Hijak gave a wide grin. The three of them started to eat the rabbit, and soon, they were done. Trojan frowned. “I’m still hungry.” Nayah nodded. “One rabbit isn’t enough.” Hijak looked at some bushes ahead. “There are some blueberries over there.” Nayah and Trojan turned and saw the bush. They smiled and turned towards the bushes. Nayah, being a black bear, loved the blueberries more than Trojan and Hijak put together. She licked the purple juice that covered her claws and muzzle, as did Trojan and Hijak.As they kept on walking, they stopped near a river. “Hmm… There’s a fork in the road.“ Trojan said.

“Not really, the only option is to go into the river.”  Hijak’s jaw dropped. “WHAT? THE RIVER? I CAN”T SWIM!” Trojan frowned. “We’ve gotta, it’s the only way, come on.” Hijak reluctantly followed. Trojan looked at the water and blushed. “But… I’m to short, Nayah, can I ride on your back?” Nayah nodded. “What about me?” Hijak called. “Sorry, no room.” Hijak groaned. Nayah put one paw in the river, then another, till the water lapped her belly. She gave a leap, and found herself in 9 ft water. Trojan gripped her back with his sharp claws. “Ouch! Easy on the claws!” But the little wolverine clung to her. She paddled with her big paws, going way faster than she imagined.

 Hmmm… Just a day ago I almost drowned, now I’m swimming great, what happened?

Hijak was still ons*censored*, putting a paw in the water, and then swiftly pulling it back out. “Come on!” Called Nayah. “Let’s go!” Hijak gulped loudly, and gave a big leap into the water. He forced his neck up towards air, gasping for breath. He paddled hard, creating waves that tangled up his fur. “HELP ME!” He cried, as he went under, and struggled to bring himself back up. Trojan shook his head hard, snapping back into reality. “Nayah! He’s drowning! Go back!” Nayah turned her head, and sure enough, the flailing that Hijak was doing stopped in a short burst of bubbles.

“Oh No! Hijak, I’m coming!” She turned her body around, and pushed herself back to where Hijack was. “Get off, I have to go under!” She snapped at Trojan. “But I can’t swim!” Nayah became frustrated. “And neither can Hijak, and he is going to die if I don’t get him out of there! Now for the last time, GET OFF ME!” Trojan leaped off of Nayah in fear, and plunged into the now chaotic river. Nayah went down, under the water. Under here, she felt weightless, light-headed. She could feel her legs grow numb from her lack of oxygen. Will this end the same as before? What if I lost consciousness and no one will try to rescue me? Then me AND Hijak will be lost forever in the depths of the river. Nayah felt herself start to let go, and a burst of air created bubbles that rose to the surface. She could just make out Hijak’s figure, drifting down into the deep river. I can’t die… not like this… But she, unfortunately, lost consciousness, and everything, went blank, once more.

“…Nayah….Nayah…”

Her name. Again.  How could this be? Did time go back? Was she given a new chance at life? Maybe she would not play with Hijak his time, and just run away, before the votes have a chance to even be casted, before she got to meet Trojan, before he put those silly dreams of finding her brother in her head. But it wasn’t a new chance at life. It wasn’t even Hijak’s voice. It was… Kinto. As she realized this, Nayah’s eyes whipped open, and she looked face to face, with her long lost brother. “KINTO! Is that you?” She leaped onto him, giving him the biggest hug she ever gave anyone in her whole life. Kinto felt crushed under his big sister’s weight. “I’m glad to see you too.” He gave her a warm smile. “So, where’s Trojan and Hijak? He must have found you and told you to rescue me.”

She looked around to see if she could spot the gold and grayish-brown fluff balls she knew and loved. But Kinto raised an eyebrow. “What? You mean the little badger kid? Uh… yea, He was waiting for you to wake up, and then he thought you were dead, seemed really upset too, so he just left. He said if you were alive, to tell you that he would try to find Hi-whatever his name was and they would come back someday. Must be some weirdoes huh?” He gave a chuckle to himself. Nayah frowned. “You mean… Hijak… isn’t found yet?” She felt her eyes start to water. Kinto’s green eyes looked at her with confusion. “Ya mean, you actually CARED about them? What loser bear hangs out with some puny badger kid? Come on, I’m hungry.” He started to walk, but Nayah stayed where she was.

“Trojan is a wolverine NOT a badger, and I am NOT a loser, they were really good people! I have to find Hijak! He might be really hurt, or dead!” She set off towards the way she thought the river lay. “Whoa, hold up, were do you think you’re going? We just found each other; we should be celebrating with blueberries and deer legs!” Nayah was actually crying now, and tears dripped down her face. Her amber honey-brown eye color was very vibrant when she cried, as they were now.

“You think this is a game? You think that they are playing a prank on me? Well, I got some news for you, Kinto they’re not! AND JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY SAVED ME AND YOU DIDN’T, WELL, BOO HOO FOR YOU! GOOD BYE! THIS IS THE LAST YOU WILL SEE OF ME!” And with that, Nayah stormed off, with tears streaming down her cheek, and her legs carrying her as fast as they could go. With a hint of déjà vu slurring in her thoughts, she remembered how in the beginning, she ran away from her brother because of her home invasion, and now, she ran because of no reason. She had just found her brother, and he really missed her, but she shook her head violently to fling the bad thoughts out of her head, and kept running at a brisk pace.

She was so far, that she didn’t even hear her brother mumble, “But… I’m the one who saved you.” Her brother looked to the ground, and walked the other way, as the two bears grew further, and further, with every paw-step they took.    

 




unspoken

4:36pm Nov 3 2009

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Posts: 97
Holy, crow. That's long. But it's good. :)
ssgarcia97

10:43am Nov 4 2009

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Posts: 1,597
I like it!



VampireShadows

7:17pm Nov 6 2009

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Posts: 681
Thankx, it's one chapter, so it's long X3 glad u like, I want it to become a book X3



Raru

8:03pm Nov 6 2009 (last edited on 8:17pm Nov 6 2009)

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Posts: 583

Firstly, I'd advise breaking it down to paragraphs |D It makes it a lot more easier to read and is visually more appealing.

Also check your grammar a bit, I see a 'your' being used wrongly. Should be 'you're'. Make note of this because simple grammar mistakes like this would lead to other people judging you as poor at writing. Especially on Res.
Seriously, Res is a hive of Grammar Nazis D: You can't afford to make grammar mistakes!

Also, while I understand the emphasize that comes with using CAPITALS and bold but there are other ways to emphasize it without these. Just stick to '!' and choose your words more carefully. It would be better as again, you have to think of presentation of writing.

(Mind you, it doesn't mean you can't use capitals and bold, they do work in writing. But not this, it seems far too serious for it.)

Why I talk about you presenting this better is because many people are shallow. Doesn't matter how good the content is if you can't present yourself a capable of doing a good job then a lot of people won't bother to give this a p*censored*ing glance. I'm not being critical of people or you. It's good that they're like this as it means we can improve :3

This is just my advice on this, I'm not saying I'm good but these are but my opinions.





VampireShadows

5:37pm Nov 15 2009

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Posts: 681
Thanx Raru, for the tips :D



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