Maybe i a girl or you....... Story about a angel ...... By dogpaw49


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dogpaw49

5:52pm Oct 5 2011 (last edited on 6:16pm Oct 9 2011)

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Posts: 2,836
( Not real life!!!) 
BIG THANKS! TO Dartmith! My editor!!!
  1. And maybe my Co-writer?...)

Chapter 1Losing my mind and life-
                                                             My name is Luni Barter. I am blind. It would be very hard to type but before the life shattering blindness problem I learnt how to type while looking at the computer. Now I cannot do what I did before. There is no light in this dark world. Just blackness. A soul sucking darkness that no humans or supernatural beings can ever break through. It has troubled me so much. A year before my blindness my parents were in a car crash. I was in the car. There was a red van. Neon red and with dents all over. The person in the car looked evil. Like a killer. I was terrified and warned my mother. She said it was fine. She didn't listen. If she had listened that day she would be here. I saw that creepy van head towards us. " Mom! Dad! watch out!" I screamed. The van crashed into our black,  VW station wagon. The horrid sounds of shattering glass filled the car. "Mom! Dad!" I yelled as I saw them lay dead. I was scared and I froze. My arm had sharp pieces of glass embedded into them. I pulled them out and shook out of my trance. I called the ambulance crying hystaricly. 

                                                           My parents didn't make it but I could never forget them. I didn't sleep that night. I could fall asleep the rest of the week either but after a year after I got a bit better. I decided to go outside after my fear of that happening again to someone else. Or even me. I walked silently slowly and carefully. I acted like a flower flowing slowly through wind. I had to run across the street. Cross the street I mean. The light turned to the walking sign and I was the only one. Suddenly I saw him. The guy who killed my parents just a year ago. He gave a smirk as evil filled his eyes contorting his face untill he looked like the moster he had been the night he killed my parents and he ran at me. The world was dark ever since then. 

                                                  I don't remember what happened in between that but I remember waking up as a mummy rapped in bandages. I was in the hospital and only my nose and mouth weren't covered. I heard the door and someone came in, " Hello, its me. The doctor" said a female voice, " I am here to take of your bandages" She added. Slowly I felt air touch my skin. I felt more excited then ever to take off the bandages on my eyes. They kept taking it off and then I heard footsteps as the Doctor whent to leave the room, " Take off the ones on my eyes doctor" I said excitedly. " They are off." She said. I could feel the pain in her voice. " No! They aren't off! I cannot see!" I said. I looked to see the doctor but there was pitch black darkness. I froze. I was instantly shot into a deep depretion. Ill never see life again. I am typing this, crying. I miss my life. Seeing to my best friend, climbing trees and so much more. Ill never get this back.

(Comments?) 



dogpaw49

6:38pm Oct 5 2011 (last edited on 6:40pm Oct 5 2011)

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(any questionscommentssuggestions criticism post!!!)



Dartmith

6:39pm Oct 5 2011

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You might want to get rid of the exclimation points after what Luni says but I only saw that happen twice I think which is awesome, remember to capitalize the letter "I", glass can't spew, instead of saying, "The van crashed into our black, waxed, full of gas car." maybe come up with a type of car instead of saying that it had been waxed and it had a full tank of gas, other than that the story is well developed and interesting. It makes me want to read more so you've done a good job.



dogpaw49

6:55pm Oct 5 2011 (last edited on 6:17pm Oct 9 2011)

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Chapter 2-The Reveal
I still can't believe what happened to my parents. I still mourn for them. I forgot to mention I am 19 years old and grew up in Canada just about 15 minutes away from Niagara falls. As a little girl I loved going to Niagara Falls. Feel the godly showers drench me to the bones and make me feel alive. I still love the water and how it goes down the falls. I can still remeber how they sued to look. Crystal clear icy blue luqid cascading blissfully down a sheer flat rock face. One day when I was on one of my frequent visits to the falls, my birthday October 19th to be exact, a lovely lady dressed in a priteen white suit walked up to me her blonde almost the same color as her clothing but her bright green eyes stood out against the overloud of whites and creams of her skin, hair and attire. She took me lightly by the elbow pulling to the side where it wasn't crowded and simply told me a secret. Something I could never tell. I was...an angel. It for sure made my life easier as my wings sprouted out. I hade laods of fun unfurling my gl*** like wings. They started to fill in with white as I got older though and as I became more acustum to them they began to feel less special but non the less I was an angel. 

                                           I hated that I couldn't tell anyone. Not even my best friend . We had been next door naighboors and best friends since we were born. The day after I got my wings I whent to school and I felt on top of the worl. I walked in the room my head help high a bright smile across my lips and I took a seat down next to him, "What are you so happy about?" He asked from underneath his floppy oversized hood. I opened my mouth about to tell him I was an angel but something kept me from saying anything. I tryed to speak but I couldn't. I shut my mouth again and looked underneath his hood pulling it off his head to reveal his aburn hair had been cut into something between a mullet and and afro. I started to smile again and her scowled pulling his hood back over his head drapping it over his carmel colored eyes, "What happed to your head?" I asked a hint of a laugh in my voice, "My mom." he grumbled. 

                                                                      That was the first day of 5th grade, nine years ago. Since then our relationship has a grown a bit strong to put it one way. He still doesn't know about my secret which kills me on the inside but he hasn't seemed to notice my hiding anything. On the night of the high school dance I thought someone might norice since I had never worn anything that might expose my wings but he didn't notice anything when he picked me up that night. He looked alot diffrent that night than he had back in 5th grade. His crimson hair was grown out into a shaggy surfer cut just above his eyes and his voice had gotten deeper, more masculine. He was wearing a normal old black tux he had barrowed from his Dad but he made it look exceptional. From that point on he was no longer my best friend. I knew it. He was my boyfriend. I saw it in his eyes as he slow danced with me. My white gown flowing and my heels elegant. At the end of the dance he announced it by asking the D.J to play a slow song and say it. I was surprised as he looked into my eyes. He danced with me in a way i knew he loved me. I knew it.



dogpaw49

8:03am Oct 6 2011 (last edited on 8:08am Oct 7 2011)

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Posts: 2,836
Chapter 3-The good thing and the bad thing-
So since I turned blind I tended need a lot of help from Lian now. I decided to go to school. Not any school school though. But a guide dog school. It would help me with every step I take so I searched for one my area and sure enough there was one just a short 5 minute drive from my house. Lian offered to drive and seeing as I couldn't see I let him take me to the place. He squeezed my hand lightly, "I'll miss you." He said  bringing me into a warm strong hug. "It's not you'll never see me again." I say letting a small smile flicker onto my lips. I heard him let out a light laugh, "True but I just want to make sure you'll be safe."  He quickly placed a kiss on my lips and we walked into the facility together connected by our hands. In there it was cold because of the blasting air caonditioner. Ill skip the boring parts though of me signing in, the sappy parting of Lian and then the endless hours of me just waiting to get called from the unbearably white room. As I was assigned a room that I would be staying in while I got my dog and started trust exercises I met a girl. Her name was Charline and obviously she was blind like me. Since we were room mates I thought it only polite to introduce my self, " Hello. My name is Luni." I said cautiously " My name is Charline" she replyed . " Are you excited for a dog?" She said. I noded before realizing she couldn't see me and followed up with a yes. An employee  came into check on us and told us it was getting pretty late so we both chose a bed and fell asleep. When we woke up we had breakfast. It smelled amazing with maple syrup and cheese and eggs along with waffles and pancakes. After we ate we were taken into a room and instructed to just wait. Someone had placed some rough dog treats in my hand and told me to keep my palm open. After a moment I heard a large door open and then multiple pairs of footsteps. Not all of them human but  some had the scratching of nails like a dog. My heart pounded as a wet noes and slippery tongue took the meat from my hand and I was allowed to petted it. The employee wanted me to name it so I named the dog moon. Moon would be my only light in the world and we would never be separated.  After I left I stayed in contact with Charline over phone calls and sometimes emails that we had each learned to type and I think it's safe to say that she is my best friend. She understands what I'm going through as a blind person and I don't think even Lian no matter howw hard he tryed could sympathize with me. Moon is so loving giving me kisses every morning and soothing me when I'm upset or stressed. She makes life just that much better. I also couldn't take it anymore. I sat Lian down and told him I was an angel. He didn't believe me until I showed my wings. He gasped. I knew he was understanding and from that point something bad happened. Somebody took me and took me to heaven. They banished me from Heaven but I ran before they got my wings. I told him and i was a bit sad. When i die ill be taken back. Now i had 2 new best friends and a boyfriend .Then something happened. I couldn't bear it and i didn't want to do anything. Charline died.



SugarSnow

10:05pm Oct 6 2011 (last edited on 10:07pm Oct 6 2011)

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Posts: 1,391
Your sentences are so short sometimes. D; And you should probably write out numbers that are small, like two. Your punctuation, grammar, and spelling could be better too. o3o Spelling's actually okay, but there's a lot of punctuation missing, and you have some grammar issues as well. It's okay, I suppose. ^_^" I suppose I would rate it as average. It didn't really make me want to read on, actually. D: Try adding more details to your sentences and making them flow nicer. Also, I like it when people start new paragraphs during conversations and stuff. xD




dogpaw49

7:51am Oct 7 2011 (last edited on 7:51am Oct 7 2011)

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Posts: 2,836
Dartmith is my editor O_o. And co writer



dogpaw49

8:06am Oct 7 2011

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Posts: 2,836
( Well i am only 9 O_o)


Chapter 4-The death-
My new best friend was Charline ever since the school. She was walking around with her new dog and hCarline walked somewhere. Not anywhere but the middle of the street. She didn't notice that she trailed of and Then she got hit. As soon as i got to the hospital i opened the door and walked in. I saw my best friend being wheeled out and she laid dead. It was like my parents died all over again. After that i went home and cried with /moon at my side. After Charline died I started to have lucid nightmares and it was very hard for me to stay strong.

                                                                               Lian told me everything was okay and i said " No it is not okay! My parents are gone. My whole life is gone. Do you know how hard it is Lian?" i asked. He stood there in silence thinking how difficult it is. 

" Yes. I do. My parents are blind and dead. It was hard for me then and now. I care about you" Lian exclaimed. I hugged him and looked in his eyes. His eyes were very dreamy and i hugged him tightly and he slept over that night.




timberwolf97

9:06pm Oct 7 2011

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Paragraphs oO That's my only problem ^-^


 


Other than that, great job!




If you really cared about animals more than humans...kindly feed yourself to the next starving wolf.
dogpaw49

9:26pm Oct 7 2011

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Thanks! Dartmith helps me with some things



dogpaw49

6:14pm Oct 9 2011

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Posts: 2,836
bump!



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