This is just a draft of the short story, I'm still working on it. Feel free to comment, though <3

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     The roar of wind rushed from its man-made sources sent a rush of adrenaline through my veins, sending shocks of excitement through my body. The source, being the mighty propellors twice my height that propelled the aerodynamically graceful flying machines through the air, whirred all around me. The rumbling of jet engines echoed through the air eerily, providing a sense of the foreboding. I held my breath. taking it all in. It was exhiliratin; this was going to be my first flight.

     The wind rushed through my jet black hair as I stood in front of a Cessna plane, a rather small two-seater aeroplane which most beginner pilots started on. It was just as I had seen on the tiny computer screen of my Acer laptop at home many times, while playing numerous flight stimulator games. I had experienced the thrill of flying (and crashing) before on a plane virtually, but I had never dreamed of experiencing the real thing.

     "Right! Let's get started," my instructor called out enthusiastically, trying to make his voice heard over the deafening noise of the jet engines around us. My heart raced as fast as the rate at which the aeroplane propellors spun, and I quickly followed him, stepping onto the makeshift staircase which led into the Cessna.

     My instructor was a tall, young man with hazel brown eyes, named Tim. He was about 20 years of age, and although I had not met him many times before, I had already grown quite fond of him. His eyes held mine in a reciprocal gaze, and I felt my heart flip. He gave an encouraging smile, his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm, before moving his hands in a motion which seemed to beckon me onto the plane.

     "Kyi? Kyi! Let's go! Chop chop!" Tim clapped his hands together almost impatiently, causing me to snap out of my fantasy world daydream as I stood, frozen halfway up the makeshift staircase. Shaking my head furiously and briefly, as if trying to rid my mind of the daydream, I quickly clambered up the makeshift staircase, and into the plane. My cheeks burned bright crimson as I brushed past him in embarrassment.

     The Cessna, like most planes, looked bigger on the inside than from the outside. Its metallic walls held an azure hue, and the obsidian-tainted leather seats shone with the simplicity of the new plane itself. It was a work of art. I was dumbstruck by the magnificent machine that I had just stepped in. I lifted a hand, touching the cool azure metallic wall as I moved along it, trying to keep my jaw, quite literally, from dropping. Moving towards the front of the plane where the cockpit was located, I heaved a sigh of relief. It was exactly as I had seen on the flight stimulator games, and my heart skipped a beat. I would be flying an actual Cessna plane, but without a tiny screen, a joystick, and the dark, small and empty room in which I resided in most of the time. This time, I would experience the thrill of flying, up close, and witness the beautiful and real scenery of the nature all around my, or rather, below me. This time, it was going to be different. 

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I do commissions as well, and I'm working on a commission for AlaynaAuditore at the moment. If you would like to commission me, feel free to rmail me! c:

I'll review but don't take my word on it!

 Firs of all, stay away from cliches, m'dear! 'Jaw dropping', 'this time it'll be different' and whatnot. Also be more sensitive to feelings, when you want to describe this lass's affections for Tim you would think that there would be more. Yes it is a short story but never be afraid of how long it'll be especially if you're still starting in writing.

I don't get a good sense of setting or character, but be clever and somehow introduce it without it being too narrative. A person wouldn't be listing so many details, it should be like a part of her as she goes through this experience. Haha but I don't know if that makes any sense.

Your comparison between the virtual and real airplane is also too direct and sort of tactless in my opinion. Be subtle when you write, don't need to mention the brand of the computer even since she'll just know it as 'her computer' not 'her Acer computer'. Remember, when you are writing in first person, this is more about her feelings. Her character doesn't suit the way you write which is the problem.

Other than that, this is a lot better than many stuff I've seen in these forums. I'm glad you are interested in improving your writing style! It's a good sign you'll improve.

Remember this is my opinion and my own taste and I prefer more sensual stories haha! I'm sorry if it seems harsh but I don't mean any offense, I just want to see you improve and get better. It's a lovely idea from what I gather and soon you'll be able to do it justice!

Not to worry about it Raru, thanks for commenting! <3

I usually write stories about wolves and fantasy novels, so this is my first time actually writing a human story ><" Thanks for the tips c:

And yes, I know it's a bit cliche, but it was meant to be. This is a first draft and i have yet to edit it, as I have stated above. c:

Aha, no probs c:

I understand it's a first draft but hee! As my teacher always say, treat every draft as your final!

Not that I listen myself haha

I'll give my step-by-step layman's commentary of this:

  The roar of wind rushed from its man-made sources sent a rush (you used 'rush' twice in the same sentence) of adrenaline through my veins, sending shocks of excitement through my body. (this whole sentence is confusing, you describe the wind's actions and then jump on to something else; try and add something between 'sources' and 'sent') The source, being the mighty propellors (you're jumping back to the source again. Your writing is a bit fragmented, try and keep things together) twice my height that propelled the aerodynamically graceful flying machines through the air (bit fruity, I know what a aeroplane is. This is an unnecessary desciption) whirred all around me (the propellors or the aeroplane?). The rumbling of jet engines echoed through the air eerily, providibng a sense of the foreoding. I held my breath. taking it all in. It was exhilirating; this was going to be my first flight.

     The wind rushed (again) through my jet black hair as I stood in front of a Cessna plane, a rather small two-seater aeroplane which most beginner pilots started on (should be 'with', not 'on'). It was just as I had seen on the tiny computer screen of my Acer ('Acer', unnecessary deion. The brand is not significant to the story, so just ditch it. Or maybe ditch 'laptop', and refer to the narrator's laptop as 'my acer') laptop at home many times, while playing numerous flight stimulator games . I had experienced the thrill of flying (and crashing) before on a plane virtually, but I had never dreamed of experiencing the real thing. (try and tie in the experience of playing computer games with the real aeroplane perhaps? These few sentences feel detatched from the whole story)

     "Right! Let's get started," my instructor called out enthusiastically, trying to make his voice heard over the deafening noise of the jet engines around us. My heart raced as fast as the rate at which the aeroplane propellors spun, and I quickly followed him, stepping onto the makeshift staircase (oh dear, I wouldn't get on that plane then) which led into the Cessna.

     My instructor was a tall, young man with hazel brown eyes, named Tim (maybe you should have called him Tim from the start?). He was about 20 years of age, and although I had not met him many times before, I had already grown quite fond of him. His eyes held mine in a reciprocal gaze, and I felt my heart flip. He gave an encouraging smile, his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm, before moving his hands in a motion which seemed to beckon me onto the plane. (woah, I have just realized that the narrator is either female (or homosexual?)! Maybe you should have made who the narrator is from the very beginning)

     "Kyi? Kyi! Let's go! Chop chop!" Tim clapped his hands together almost impatiently, causing me to snap out of my fantasy world daydream as I stood, frozen halfway up the makeshift staircase. Shaking my head furiously and briefly, as if trying to rid my mind of the daydream, I quickly clambered up the makeshift staircase,(<- don't need that comma) and into the plane. My cheeks burned bright crimson as I brushed past him in embarrassment.

     The Cessna, like most planes, looked bigger on the inside than from the outside (okay, how does this person know this? They never went in a plane before). Its metallic walls held an azure hue, and the obsidian-tainted leather seats (how do you get obsidian on your seat?) shone with the simplicity of the new plane itself. It was a work of art. I was dumbstruck by the magnificent machine that I had just stepped in. I lifted a/my hand, touching the cool azure metallic wall as I moved along it, trying to keep my jaw, quite literally, from dropping. Moving towards the front of the plane where the cockpit was located, I heaved a sigh of relief. It was exactly as I had seen on the flight stimulator games, and my heart skipped a beat. I would be flying an actual Cessna plane, but without a tiny screen, a joystick, and the dark, small and empty room in which I resided in most of the time. This time, I would experience the thrill of flying, up close, and witness the beautiful and real scenery of the nature all around my, or rather, below me. This time, it was going to be different.

Obsidian is a mineral and the name of the colour is based off the mineral. The way you phrase is misleading. "Well of course, I was a teenage girl of age ____" or something like "I'm turning 16 this year! Sweet sixteen!" is not the only way to introduce a character, I personally hate 1st person because of these 'I'm 16' or whatever. I feel that 1st person is difficult to pull off, however it's easy to get into when you start. I'm not a writer or anything, but I don't really understand a large portion of your writing because of how you structure everything. I also find the overuse of a word as irritating.

What I am saying here is that there is room for improvement. Writing is fun, but diffucult. Like most arts you have to master your craft so it will be difficult to improve in the beginning but that's where the fun (and the'critics') is/are. 

In the end, if you're happy with this. Stick with it. If you want to improve, improve.  However, you did ask for comment so expect things you don't like or disagree with. 

Oh yes Ping, by the way, my definition of "obsidian" was right. I searched it on Thesaurus.com, and this was the result.

 - Extracted from Thesaurus.com

That is obsidian, the rock.

According to the Oxford dictionary:

"obsidian

noun a hard, dark glass-like volcanic rock formed by the rapid solidification of lava without crystallization.

-ORIGIN

C17: from L. obsidianus error for obsianus, from obsius, the name (in Pliny) of the discoverer of a similar stone."

Yes, the word 'obsidian' may be used to refer to the colour black, but the way in which you used the word 'obsidian' suggests that the seat is covered in the stone, not coloured black.

Furthermore, you got your definition from a THESAURUS, not a dictionary. They will give you synonyms, not taking into account of how to use it in different contexts. 

How strange. I believe that it can be used both ways. Oh yes, and take note. I said "Obsidian-tainted", equivalent to "obsidian coloured". 

Anyway, I used it in the same context in my New South Wales english writing competition and I got an A for it and was the top 1% in Singapore for english writing, so my writing can't be THAT bad o.o

I took the New South Wales English test before when I was in middle school. I can't say I did as well as you did, but at least I've experienced it. When I took it, it was a comprehension paper, so I don't think it examines your skills as a creative writer. But it might have changed over the years so your paper might be different and maybe tested you on creative properties.

I understand it can be used in multiple ways, I've already told you before. Now I am your audience, and I'm saying that I don't feel that it sounds right or is suitable for what you are trying to portray in your writing. I would never look at a chair and say 'oh look, it's the same colour as obsidian!' and I doubt you would. The word 'obsidian' not suggests black but shiny, hard, dark, cold and several other things. When you use the word 'obsidian', you also bring in other properties. 

Also you used the word 'tainted'.
From the Oxford dictionary:

'taint

noun a trace of a bad or undesirable quality or substance.
> a contaminating influence or effect.

verb

Well I don't understand the merits of qualifications but if it means anything I published a story in a book o3o;

I sort of agree with Ping somewhat. It's just you need to appreciate words a bit more and how to use them. Not saying you don't but really listen to the words you use!

I don't think she's saying you're a bad writer. Heck, I  don't think that's what this is about. She just wanted to point out something that she feels to be awkward. You're not a bad writer, we wouldn't pay attention otherwise if you were.

Raru: Well, that's nice Raru, what's the book's ti
tle? ^^ And lol, I didn't apply for the examination, I was forced into it o.o

I know that she feels to be awkward, but I think that the form of "correcting" or the commenting seems to be leaning towards how she would write the story, using comments like "(bit fruity, I know what a aeroplane is. This is an unnecessary desciption)" kind of shows that she does not really appreciate other people's writing styles. [Maybe she doesn't really know that to me she is indicating that fact] Like I have said before, my style is the deive style.

Anyway, drop the subject. I'll be doing the second draft today and will post it on another thread. Please don't criticise my writing on there and just point out the spelling or grammatical errors. c:

Ping: Actually the examination has 2 portions. The comprehension paper, and the creative writing paper. What you took was one of the two. I took both. Excelled in creative writing and failed the comprehension paper [Didn't bother to put any effort in it] xD

And whoops, my bad. It was supposed to be "obsidian-tinted" c:

I took the UNSW exam too, and I didn't really remember the creative writing paper. o_o

Anyway :u I think you should post the second draft here, or just edit your first post, so that it doesn't get caught in the abyss of other writing threads. 

Hm...The writing's good, I'll give you that. Ping isn't trying to be mean, or anything like that. She's just trying to be helpful.

'Please don't criticise my writing on there and just point out the spelling or grammatical errors. c:'  If you don't recieve criticism, how are you ever going to do better? If you are aiming to be a writer, you're going to have to get used to criticism. Heck, the publishing company may throw you out, but they'll very likely tell you how to get better, and you'll need to look on the bright side, and tell yourself that people are trying to help you, not offend you.

And, yes, Obsidian is a rock, Aztecs used to make weapons out of it. But I guess you could use comparison, as Obsidian is dark, if that's how you're trying to describe the plane.

I think what Ping meant, is that you sometimes overdescribe things. The most embarrasing thing is to use all these fancy words, not knowing what they mean and end up making a fool out of yourself because a) The sentence has a whole new meaning  b) The sentence means something stupid  like 'My cat's down my pants' (yes, I've seen books like that)

 "Kyi? Kyi! Let's go! Chop chop!" You don't have to have two 'Kyi's in there. It could just be:

"Kyi? Let's go!" or "Kyi, let's go!"

Anyway, writing is all about word choice. Don't use over-exaggerative words.

When I had my finals, the teachers deducted marks because some students went over-board with their deions. Also, a story is only a best-seller if readers don't have to look up every other word.