Critique Please


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Spikett

2:41pm Oct 22 2011

Normal User


Posts: 94


It was 4:00am Emily had just woken up from another nightmare where she was attacked viciously by that that monster. Tonight just like any other night was the same as the nights past. She sat there shivering under the covers of her bed, her chocolate brown eyes dashing back and forth in her head, her frantically feeling the wall for a light switch. She would not dare mention the fact that she wad afraid of the dark. She would sit in her room watching the telly. There was light coming from the telly, thew window and from across the hallway. She was only afraid of the of dark when the room was pitch black or almost pitch black. "Who's there? Show yourself!" She screamed as heard the sound of footsteps in her room.


 


He watched her with blazing red eyes as she slept peacefully. He's been haunting her dreams for quite some time now and was ready to become a reality. Emily's eyes were still closed, slowly he arose from her mind. This girl was creative, he had to give her that. His tanned skin formed perfectly along with the blasted claws the young girl had given him as hands, "Bloodly hell..." He mumbled as soon as his mouth had formed, "What do you do?!" He screamed. Something didn't feel right in his mouth, The Mole's teeth were over sized and sharp. He let out a loud malicious laugh, "Oh Emily..." He said as he walked over to the other side of the room and in to her closet where he would wait until night to come out and play.

Spikett

8:16pm Oct 22 2011

Normal User


Posts: 94
Is my writing so awful that no one is their right mind would dare come on the fourm?
diamondwing

8:19pm Oct 22 2011

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Posts: 255

hmmm, dream monster...



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maranon

8:42pm Oct 22 2011

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Posts: 4
kewl! :)



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Spikett

10:43pm Oct 22 2011

Normal User


Posts: 94
Thank you :). Is there anything I need to check in the sense of spelling and grammar?
21stcenturybreakdown

2:16am Dec 4 2011

Normal User


Posts: 62

It was 4:00am Emily had just woken up
from another nightmare where she was attacked viciously by that that
monster. Tonight, just like any other night, was the same as the nights
past. She sat there shivering under the covers of her bed, her chocolate
 brown eyes dashing back and forth in her head (is she in or out of her bed?),
feeling the wall frantically for a light switch. She would not dare mention the fact that
she was afraid of the dark. She would sit in her room watching the
telly. There was light coming from the telly, thew window and from
across the hallway. She was only afraid of the of dark when the room was
 pitch black or almost pitch black. "Who's there? Show yourself!" She
screamed as heard the sound of footsteps in her room.




good start, interesting. i just adjusted the grammar above, made some changes (the underlined stuff) i didnt change the meaning or anything just switched the words or added a comma or two. use it if you want. keep writing, its interesting. good job. :D

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