Critic it? {{From a Shadow}}


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unspoken

5:28pm Oct 31 2009 (last edited on 5:29pm Oct 31 2009)

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 Life. What can I say? Now that I moved in with my dad, John, I don’t believe it has miracles anymore. I moved in with him because of my mom.  She had met a new guy and she completely forgot about me. I no longer was in her life. So once I got a job, I ended up raising enough money to buy myself a one-way plane ticket to live with John.    

This was only the beginning.

Chapter 1

The 5:00 morning air was brisk; almost chilling. I pulled my jacket tighter. New Mexico’s morning’s can do that to you. I pulled the door of my mom’s, Kari, small blue car open. Crawling in, the door fell closed and I watched Pete, my mom’s new boyfriend, bring my backpack to the car. He tossed it in the trunk and climbed in the front seat.Pete hadn’t said a thing in the drive to the airport. He dumped my out with my backpack. I huffed, picked up my backpack, walked to the counter and checked in. As I walked inside, a wave of heat hit me like a slap. The heat traveled inside my jacket, giving me the goose bumps again. I walked up to the Security Check-in. On the other side, I walked to the Star Bucks, got a cup and walked to my gate.

 

unspoken

5:30pm Oct 31 2009

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Posts: 97

It messed it up. Sorry it looks funny. :/

That's my prolouge and part of chapter 1.

unspoken

9:45am Nov 8 2009

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Posts: 97

Okay. I NEED it to be criquted! Or however you spell it. I NEED it to be!

And don't just tell me it's like Twilight. Cause it's not. It's just this first part. When I fully done with it, I'll change it so you Twilight-fangirls don't nag me.

Dragonstar

6:38pm Nov 8 2009

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Posts: 5,310

 

Its interesting so far. What is the narator's name? -curious-






Nothing can stop the US Air Force except lightning within five nautical miles.

xchezzehx

7:21am Nov 9 2009

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Posts: 444
lol, to be honest, it totally reminded me about Twilight,  XD  But not enough to where I wouldn't read anymore, after all, it is just the beginning.  ^^



I have to get this thing to level 1,000. Please, help.

Click Me!

Raru

8:20am Nov 9 2009

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Posts: 583

Whenever possible try to avoid using actual numbers unless you want a specific effect with them.

Personally I need more written to give an actual critique xD  could say a lot like a more in depth deion of things and whatnot but I don't know whether you're going to add them later or not.

SO MOAR PLZ.





unspoken

4:34pm Nov 10 2009 (last edited on 4:35pm Nov 10 2009)

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Posts: 97

Lol. Thank everyone.

Dragonstar: Zanna. Her name gets used farther in.

Umm....Raru. Thanks. :) Here's more:

There was only one seat open.  And it was next to a girl with jet black hair and pale skin. She wore jeans and a light green shirt. I shuffled over to the seat and slid down.

“Hi,” I hear in my ear. I glance sideways. The girl had put the book down she was reading and talked to me.

“H-hi,” I stammer.

“You’re going to Port Angeles?” she asks.

“Well, kind of. I’m actually driving down to Forks.”

“Really?! Me too!”

“Oh. Nice.”

“Why are you going there?” She’s interested in my life?

“To live with my dad, John.”

“Last name Hawk?”

 

unspoken

8:26am Nov 13 2009

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Posts: 97
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