The Princess and the Prince. ((Neopets))


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Jess

3:09am Dec 29 2009 (last edited on 3:11am Dec 29 2009)

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Posts: 984
*This story was going to be used for an Application. But I don't think I'm going to apply for anymore lol So heres the story. And thank you for reading it.

A small yawn came from the girl as she got up. Her lilac blonde hair was knotted and tangled as she got off the bed and looked in her mirror. Her violet and magenta eyes looked over herself. She sighed when she saw her hair. "Guess I have to brush it." she said to herself lightly. When she picked up the brush two maids walked in the door. They both wore the usual black and white uniform except they wore two diffrent colored hair bands. "Oh! Princess Rosalene! We can do it!" they shouted as one of them took the brush and brushed it through her knoted hair. Rosalene winced slightly. "Thank you Deuaza." she said noticing the red headband on her head. The Strawberry blonde maid nodded. "Yes your highness." she said. Rosalene twitched slightly. She hate being treated like royalty. Sad thing was she was one. She was a princess. Daughter of, Donire, the King of Neopia, and Nydinho, the Queen of Neopia. Rosalene sighed as she looked through her dresses. All she was allowed to wear were dresses. She wanted something diffrent. She wanted to be like those who were free to wear what ever they wore. She looked out the window to see the ones she was thinking about. Free like the her peasents. She wanted to be like them in many diffrent ways. She finally went back to looking into her closet and picked out a pink and yellow dress. She put it on and sighed trying to tie the back. She gave a small yelp, as the made with black and whire hair pilled the stings and started to tie them. Rosalene looked and smiled. "Thank you Nazunar..." she said as she saw the white headband. "Welcome my lady." she said as she bowed to her. The two walked out the door leaving her to do what ever she wanted for about an hour. Rosalene sighed as she sat at her window. She looked at the little boy that walked by with his mother smiling and laughing. She sighed as she then looked at the mirrow she suppose to be at. She got up and walked over to it and sat down. She looked at herself over and over until she put on a necklace, her earring, and some make up. She had put on a light purple eye shadow that actually made her eyes stand out. She smiled as she looked down at her necklace. It was a gold chain with a blue tear drop on it. She got up and put on her pink highheels. She then watched as the door opened and there stood the two maids. "Hello." they said smiling. Rosalene nodded as she walked out with them following her. "Presenting the Royal Princess." shouted a chubby man as he walked to the side. She walked to the stairs and looked around. There on the floor stood princes, princesses, queens, and kings. They were all here to see who Rosalene would pick as a lover. She walked down the steps one by one trying not to trip and fall. She made it to the floor in one piece. She then walked over to the throne of her mother and father. "Mother. Father." she said as she bowed and kissed this cheeks. Her father, Donire, smiled. "Rosalene. You are now old enough to get crowned and become married." he said as he picked up the crown a servent bought to him. He placed it onto her head. She smiled and hugged her father. "Thank you." she said as she turned around. The ruby and amathyst glowed in the lightly that was illuminating from the chandelier. Everyone gave another clap. She walked up to many diffrent neopets thanking them for coming. She then noticed a prince. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. He was talking to pink haired boy who too had bright blue eyes. They looked at the princess and smiled waving. She too smiled as she waved back to them. "Hello there my lady." they said bowing to her. She smiled. "Hello there sirs." she said as she watched them get up. "I'm Prince Maseku." said the blonde as he looked at her with a smile. "And I, Prince Ciarui." the pink haired boy added. "I am Princess Rosalene." she said. "Oh but we know." they said smiling. She blushed and smiled back. "Shall we dance?" asked Maseku. She smiled and nodded. "I'd love to." she said as she took his hand that he had offered. As she and he danced for a couple hours. As they finished she looked around again but her eyes stopped at a man in blue and red. He had on a blue hat and was holding a horn. His eyes were purple. She blushed and smiled as she went over to him. "Excuse me." she said quitely. He turned and looked at her. "Oh. My lady." he said bowing to her. She smiled. "Hello there. I am Princess Rosalene. May I know your name kind sir?" she asked. He smiled. "Aye. My name is Savvore." he said taking her hand and kissing it. She smiled. "Nice to meet you sir." she said. They looked into each others eyes for a while before one spoke. "Oh would you like to dance?" he asked. She nodded and smiled.




Raru

6:59am Dec 29 2009

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Posts: 583

Read it. I like princesses 8D *shot*

...Do you want a critique or anything? o3o





Jess

1:44am Dec 30 2009

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Posts: 984
Yeah a little xD' Because when it comes to my wirting. I fail pretty badly at it. lol



Raru

2:50am Dec 30 2009 (last edited on 2:50am Dec 30 2009)

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Posts: 583

H'okaaaay, don't take my word for everything but here are my opinions 8D

First of all, don't know if it's your computer screwing things up like mine does but breaking up the text would be good :3

 I also see a typo needing to be fixed up: 'diffrent colored hair bands' I think you'll have to read through once more for these typos c:

Your grammar needs some work but if you want I can correct them all for you (not a bright idea since Nessi always points out my fail tenses) or you can go through it a bit. Read it out loud and you'll notice how some of the commas would be awkward or

About your speech, the grammar is a bit iffy  "Thank you Deuaza." should be "Thank you, Deuaza."Commas should come before a name when addressing someone. It was a pretty common mistake I made when I was younger though xD 

'Took the brush and brushed her hair'.

I'm not fond of repeated words unless used for effect perhaps try 'They took the brush from her and attended to the duty of grooming her hair' or something less blah than that |D

 

I reckon that with time and more practive your writing will improve. I wrote like you when I was younger and now look at me! I'm still a bum! *cries*

Anyways, just read more, write more, think more and follow critique. It's tough when not a lot of people reviews though but don't lose hope! 8D





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