The Outcast


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Snufkin

3:42pm Jan 27 2011

Normal User


Posts: 379

Okay, so this is my first attempt at a story. I'm trying to turn it into a book, and there is a lot more than this. This is just the first part :3 Just in case you don't catch on, it's about a pack of wolves.

 --

 Thunder lay on his bed of gr*censored*es and ferns thinking. It was the end of smmer, and the forest brids were making the most of the warm morning. The pack was doing well this year; there was many pups, and every wolf is well fed. Next to him, Lightning snuffled in her sleep, her white coat gleaming like the moon. With a yawn, Thunder rose from the hollow that made the alpha den, and stepped out into the clearing.

Already the rest of the pack was stirring. The morning patrol was just heading out, lead by and his apprentice, Moon. Rain, the medicine wolf apprentice, was sorting through a pile of arnica while her mentor gathered cobwebs. Thunder sighed, and padded over to the hollow log where a pile of prey was kept safe and sound. Picking up a rabbit, he walked back to where Lightning lay, her blue eyes now open. They widened when she saw the prey hanging from his jaws.

"What's this?!" She said softly. "You don't normally bring me my food." Dropping the rabbit by her paws, Thunder sat down and tore off a hind leg. Between chews, he managed to say,

"Ah, but today is different, Lightning. Today we begin preparing for winter." Lightning was about to reply when Giant burst in, bowing awkardly before he began to shake violently, his eyes filled with fear.

--

I'm open to critism, and you'll have some good things to point out too ^.^ I'll post more if two or three people ask, but right now it's just an opinion thread.




hi
Snufkin

3:43pm Jan 27 2011

Normal User


Posts: 379
*gra-s-s-es



hi
Elainie

10:40am Jan 29 2011

Normal User


Posts: 200

"Thunder lay on his bed of gras.ses and ferns thinking."

You need a comma after ferns.  

 

"...there was many pups, and every wolf is well fed." 

There were many pups. Everyone wolf was well fed. Was is just incorrect, and [with is] you need to stick to the same time...tense...thing. Whatever, you were using past, therefore you need to stick with past. 

 

I noticed how you copied warriors [or seemed to] haha. But it sounds interesting :) Keep going :) 




Snufkin

8:26am Jan 30 2011

Normal User


Posts: 379
Thanks Elainie. So far it's just rough, but I'll keep in mind your comments. And yes, I did get my inspiration from Warriors, lol :3



hi
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