Opinion please?


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gothicshadow111

5:38am Dec 29 2009 (last edited on 7:00am Dec 29 2009)

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Posts: 243

I wrote this for a friends story (ERlover90). basiclly, Mickey and Jess are husband and wife, and Mickey has lost his memory, of everything. So, this is my part, can you tell me what you think?

 

 

Jess was restless. She couldn't sleep with the thought of the love her life not even knowing her name. She tossed ad tumbled in bed, when eventually she fell out of it.

That was the final straw. Still in her Bright blue pajamas, she rushed outside, got in her car and started up the engine. Grace leaned out of the window, her dim green nighty fluttering in the wind. She shouted down, "Where are you going? It's three in the morning!"

Jess looked up at her with a stern face. "I've got to see Mickey. Theres gotta be someway to make him remeber. I can't live alone anymore." With that, she slammed the car door shut and drove out into the night towards the hospital.

 

Rushing down the deserted corridors, Jess wondered if breaking that window was a good idea. "Oh well," she thought " Nothing can be done about that now." The hard floor was incredibly cold againt her feet, so she began to walk faster, then she broke out into a run.    She skidded to a halt outside Mickey's room, 7G. She gentley turned the handle of the heavy oak door and creeped inside. 

She saw the full moon outside the window, illuminating all the metal inside the room. Bare winter trees clawed at the windows, as if trying to stop Jess from getting to her husband. She saw he laying there, fast asleep, in a turquiose hospital gown. She perched herself at the foot of the bed, then started singing.

Some say love, it is a river,

That drowns the tender reed.

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed.

 

When the night has been to lonley,

And the road has been to long.

And you think that love is only

For the lucky and the strong.

 

Just remember, in the Winter

Far beneath those bitter snows

Lies the seed, that with the suns love,

In the Spring, becomes the Rose.

 

That was there song. they used to sing it all the time together. But now, the duet was now a solo. Mickey was just lying there, not even reacting to Jess' sweet voice.

Jess had enough. It was hopeless. There was no point in continuing to try and revive his memory. She leaned in to Mickey's face and kissed him very gently on his lips.

Suddenly, his eyes flickered open. Jess stared deeply into his eyes. they were blank, as if he had been hypnotised. Then, all the emotion flooded back into them. He blinked, and a tear trickled down his cheek. His arms lifted up and he hugged Jess tightly.

"....Jess.... wha..what happened...?"

"Mickey!" Jess leaped onto him and hugged him as tightly as she could. She found herself crying buckets. Mickey gently patted her head. He had remembered. Everything. All of it had jerked into his mind at the moment of that kiss.

Jess and Mickey were together once more. But for how much longer?

Raru

6:41am Dec 29 2009

Normal User


Posts: 583

First of all, check your grammar and spelling. I am only on the first sentence and already I see 'couldnt' and not 'couldn't'. If you need help with this I'm sure there's plenty of people who would be willing to do so.

And for a bit of formality, try writing out the number rather than just putting '3 in the morning'. |D

Yeeeaaah, that's all for now.





gothicshadow111

7:01am Dec 29 2009

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Posts: 243
Changes made =3
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