Ocean Depths - Stand in the Rain: Prologue (please comment! This is part of a story i am writing!)


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DalaranianCat

6:00pm Dec 3 2011 (last edited on 2:12pm Dec 11 2011)

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                              Prologuel:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


 Moonlight washed over the forest. Patches of silvery light dappled the ground where the trees' thick canopies did not fully shelter the forest floor. An owl screeched in the distance, warning off intruder owls. The soft gurgle of streams and rivers could be heard. The full moon above outlined everything in glimmering starry silver. Nothing moved. No wind blew against the branches of the trees. No birds flew among the leaves or pecked for seeds on the ground. It seemed as if the whole world had stilled, waiting.


 A wail of agony ripped the air, and then the sound faded. Clustered around a lump of black fur, a blue grey tom and a white she-cat stood, heads bowed. "Blackflower is gone now, Tidestorm.” The sleek white she-cat whispered shakily, yellow eyes flickering with sorrow. "No!... She can't leave me like this!” The blue-grey tom sobbed, voice cracked with grief. "I'm sorry for your loss Tidestorm. She is leaving to be with StarClan now.” The white she-cat meowed, more boldly now. She moved to check the dead black she-cat with the darker leopard spots for any sights of life. Any signs that her kit had been born. None. Tidestorm wailed and turned away from his mate's lifeless body. "Whiteflower... Why must she have died like this?...Why must my kit die within her like this?..."He mewed, sober. Whiteflower, the white she-cat only shook her head and shrugged. "Come now...MistyClan needs us to break the news come dawn.” Whiteflower insisted, leading the tom away from his mate, whom had died kitting. They slunk into the shadows of the forest. All was still once more.


 A silhouette flashed in the undergrowth not far from the lifeless body. Its green eyes glittered like jade. She watched intently as a tiny lump of dark blue fur, covered in blood, slipped from the black she-cat's birth canal. It slid into the blood that the black she-cat had lost, trying to get her kit into the world, and failing in her last breath with a wail. The cat-like shadow erupted from the bushes, and stalked up to the two bodies. She sniffed the blood soaked tiny scrap of dark blue fur, and clenched it between its jaws. It looked around, the clouds briefly giving away her silvery-white form. She slipped back into the bushes, unnoticed. The night air stilled once again. It was as if nothing had ever happened.

        Chapter One
 A tiny dark blue kit bounded out from the shadows of beneath the oak tree's gnarled roots. The dark blue furred tom kit bounced with energy, followed more slowly by a silvery-white she-cat with jade green eyes. She stopped for a moment, and licked her chest. "Ocean Depths don't go out too far. Wait for me!” She called cautiously as the kit pounced onto a leaf a fox-length away. Ocean depths, the blue-furred tom looked up at her and nodded. "Okay, White Clove.” He mewled, then pounced on a leaf, tiny thorn sharp claws unsheathed. He battered the leaf with his hind paws, tossing it into the air.
 White Clove picked him up with her jaws, clenching him firmly between her jaws. Her ears flicked, and she darted away from the oak tree. Her silvery-white fur dappled with patches of sunlight as she sprinted through the forest. Ocean Depths did not complain as he was carried through the forest. He dangled patiently from white Clove's jaws, waiting for them to get to where they would be going.
 White Clove set the dark blue kit down, and padded towards the swirling water of the river. She crouched down, lapping up a couple drops of the cool liquid. Ocean Depths pawed curiously at the running water, and sat down on the small smooth-faced boulder that jutted from the forest floor to the river's swirling current. He dabbed at it again, and splashed some of the water onto White Clove with a sweep of his paw. The silvery-white she-cat bristled and forced her fur to lie flat again. "Get away from there, Ocean Depths. Now…"She growled in a warning tone, padding towards him.
 Before she could reach his scruff he slid from the boulder's edge and into the icy river. He let out a yowl, struggling fiercely against the strong current. His dark blue pelt became submerged under the surface, and his head went under too. He bobbed to the surface again, spluttering and coughing. He wailed in horror, his paws growing tired and numb from the water. "White Clove!..."Ocean Depths cried out, horrified.
 White Clove plunged into the water after him, swimming furiously with the current. A rock wedged in her pad and she stumbled head over tail through the water. Fearful she had lost the kit, she scrambled to her paws.
 Dripping wet and soaked to the bone with water, she stood belly deep in the water. Her eyes flickered franticly down the river, hoping with all her heart the little tom had not been swept away from her. No signs of the kit showed. No wails or shrieks provided a way to find him. The only scents left of him were that of where he had been on the boulder. White Clove's body heaved and shuddered, and hot tears rolled down her fur.
 Cold Winds nipped at Whit Clove’s ears and nose. She had let off her search for the tiny kit, but stayed on the boulder he had fallen from. Now the cold wind buffeted her fur, and grew ever colder. She wondered if Ocean Depths had survived the river’s current. No… It can’t be possible. He’s only a moon old. And possibly never going to get much older. White Clove got to her paws halfheartedly and turned away from the river. He looked over her shoulder, blaming herself for the incident. “Perhaps I was too hard on the little one…” She mewed.
 The night fell quickly, blanketing the forest in a black cloak. Snow fell throughout the night, icy and numbing to the nose and paws.

fawn

6:46pm Dec 5 2011

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Posts: 4,355
o_o Woah. Amazing. Keep writing, I'd love to read more.



diamondwing

6:55pm Dec 5 2011

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Posts: 255

Sounds like Warriors. I love that series.



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DalaranianCat

9:32pm Dec 5 2011

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Posts: 4
Thank you! I'm working on Chapter two currently, so i'll be sure to update. Just keep looking here. :)

Erin hunter's Warriors series did have some impact on my writing. i've read all books by them exept for sighn of the moon. lol. But for the most part, i write mostly animals and anthromorphic animals. but every so often i'll do a human story.
diamondwing

6:29pm Dec 8 2011

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Posts: 255

Me too. I like writing about animals but find myself better at human stories.



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DalaranianCat

2:10pm Dec 11 2011

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Posts: 4
I see. Ell, im gonna edit the first post and put tin the first chapter in a sec. :D keep reading!
Mika1098

2:35pm Dec 11 2011

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Posts: 1

Soo cool Rmail me when you have finished your second one

prinxess

10:05pm Dec 14 2011 (last edited on 10:10pm Dec 14 2011)

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Posts: 319

I quite liked it. The one critique I have at the moment would be to cut some of the unneeded words that don't deter the imagery. 

Ex: 

Patches of silvery light dappled the ground where the trees' thick canopies did not fully shelter the forest floor.

*the word trees' is unneeded

*Did not can be contracted into didn't

*'fully shelter' can just be either shelter or you could even use protect if you wanted to

Using my own style, I offer another option: Patches of silvery light dappled the ground where the thick canopies didn't offer their protection.

^ The above also sets the tone a bit better. But it's your story -- you carve it however you want to (:

Some of the other sentences sound a bit clunky. It's just some fine tuning that is needed.




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aprildiamond

2:48am Dec 15 2011

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Posts: 3
Reminds me of Warriors too! Nice story! Hoping to read the next chapter soon!
Palise

12:30pm Dec 17 2011

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Posts: 375
Very interesting!

The prologue had my eyes glued to the screen,
and I could vividly visualize what you wrote! 

You, sir, have a way with words.
You should write more. ouo



I\'m starting to do profile commissions. I can do simple codes so care to Rmail me?
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