My Fiction Story


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kakelover

10:02pm Jan 12 2011 (last edited on 6:47pm Jan 14 2011)

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Posts: 2,895

    Yuphuin Pythers:

It was a warm sunny day in Haruiss that day, the day I saw him.
It was weird. I remember seeing him sixty years ago, when we were in our teens.
I will never forget the look on his face when I met him again, deep in concentration with his eye brows furrowed and hazel eyes peircing. His bangs covering his left eye, the way I remember it being.
You see, Tysol, the boy, wasn't normal. He was special. We all counted on him, all of Aysoli. He was our leader, our king. Being royalty granted him special powers that we put our trust in to keep us safe. All of us in Aysoli are different but he was even more, he could do things no one else could do.
On a strange June day, Tysol disappeared. A great search party was formed, everyone went looking for him. After months without any trace of him, the population of Aysoli slowly gave up the search.
It was weird seeing him again, unlike me he had no trace of age on him. I don't know what happened to keep him looking so young but I intend to find out. Tommorrow I will find him and confront him about why he left, why he let them take over the kingdom, why he abandoned us.

 

Charles Hunter

When the old lady grabbed me I was about to say something but she spoke first.
"Tysol Xyefur? Is that you?" When I didn't respond right away she continued, "It's been so long...way way too long...The last I saw you was after the Great Dance. Why did you leave Tysol? I thought you were happy?"
It was then I realized she didn't have a sane mind. I mean, who has a name like Tysol Xyefur?
"It is I Yuphuin Pythers." the old woman added.
"I'm sorry ma'am, I don't know anybody by that name, my name's Charles Hunter." I said, not sure if I should take her to the nursing home across the street.
"You do know me. Here." she slid her brown purse off of her shoulder and digged inside. Yuphuin pulled out a picture of a young lady holding a boy's hand and gave it to me.
The boy looked just like me, the only difference was a small mole on the left side of the boys neck in the picture. Then the lights went on. I had a picture of this man in my wallet.
I took out my wallet out of my back pocket and compared the pictures. They were definitally the same man. He was my father. My real father.
"Be careful, Tysol." she said, "They are back, they are going to overthrone you, kill you if need be." Tears streamed down her face. "Better go back to Aysoli, you are needed. Be careful."
"Look, I don't know who you are or why you are here. Just tell me, where did you get a picture of my father?"

 (opinions are wanted)




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WolfieBelle

9:59pm Jan 13 2011

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Posts: 6,409

This is very interesting, but it would be nice if it explained something like in the prologue or something. All in all, by the way it's going, I want to read more of it.




Love is all we need~

Elainie

5:37pm Jan 14 2011

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Posts: 200
It's very good. I like it :) But one thing, I wouldn't change POV. The woman's POV should act as a sort of prologue, and then the man's could be the actual story. Also, in between every few chapters, you could put a little blast-from-the-past thing in the woman's POV. If you've ever read Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta, then that's what I'm talking about.



kakelover

6:32pm Jan 14 2011

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Posts: 2,895
Thanks! XD Starting is always the hardest for me, I never know what kind of format to put it in. I'll try editing it and writing more. I wanted to keep the reader quessing about what was going on, however I think I put them in the dark too much. Thanks again for the imput and I hope you will enjoy my story and continue to critique!



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