Darkness I Beseech You {Please Read and Critique}


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Alcarie

4:13pm Jun 21 2010 (last edited on 9:12pm Jul 5 2010)

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Posts: 2,091

This is a story i'v been working on for the past few weeks and am wondering if I should continue. I'm open to anything you have to say, so don't be shy if you see something wrong and want to yell at me to fix it (: I will.

Summary:  Growing up in a harsh environment made Dimitri the person is he today, a murderer. His father was the leader of a under ground as.sas.sin group, a small portion of the entire countries as.sociation, and believed his son would be the perfect member. When he turned thirteen, Dimitri was introduced to the Vinka and swiftly flew through the ranks, becoming a honorary as.sas.sin at eighteen. But one mission, one mistake, cost him everything.

Now he is on the run, from the Vinka, the CSI, and his own personal demon. With help only from a sharp-tongued as.sas.sin woman, he must try to out run, out smart, and out play almost everyone in the nation, including a former victim with her own plans for him, and reach his final destination, the free country of Asi.

Prologue

 Darkness I Beseech you,
Come to Me and Shroud My
Shattered Heart

Flashback

 The silence of the downtown streets did not discourage the young woman walking along them, carrying a small bag of medicine for her child. Humming a soft tune, her raven wing black hair flowed out like a waterfall as the ominous wind flowed from the north. She was one who believed in higher powers, that something greater than man lived and would one day punish them all for their evil ways. She had become delighted when her husband started following her thoughts and her youngest son now able to understand did as well. Only her step-son refused and shunned her. But the woman did not mind, because she knew from the moment she met her husband's other son that he would hate her.

When an evil cackle form behind her made her swivel her head around in shock, the woman could not believe the glinting silver gun pointed right at her… but she would have loved to misinterpret the holder of the gun, believing them as better. "Please," she whispered, just as the deafening crack exploded and the killing metal pierced her kind heart.

Present Time 

Watching the casket lowered into the muddy pit, the onlookers wondered if this was the right way to let their friend, wife, and mother go. To be left alone to rot in the silver tomb while her family lived their lives. The priest said a few words in the name of the lord, but for many of the witnesses this was just nonsense babble. She was gone and they would never again hear her sweet laughter, watch her eyes light up with wonder and happiness, and hold her tight when things got tough.

A young boy of five gazed at the casket with tear filled eyes as his mom thumped into the soggy ground, wanting nothing more than to scream and run to her, throw open the chest and wrap his small arms around her cold form. But his father's hand on his shoulder kept him in place, not because it was comforting but because he knew a punishment would insure when he got home if he moved. His sixteen-year-old step brother stood beside him, eyes cold and twinkling with mirth for some unknown reason. Looking around at all of the faces he noticed some of them looked sad while others, his father co-workers mostly, seemed almost smug. That stung because he did not understand how anyone could not love his mother, her sweet innocence.

 The child, called Dimitri, finally let himself cry for his loss. It was also confusion that brought this on, confusion as to why his father did not seem to care that his wife had been murdered, or the rejoice Marc seemed to be feeling over her death. Sitting alone under a nearby shade tree Dimitri looked up at the sky like him and his mother, and even at times his father, used to do. Making pictures out of the clouds or watching plane soar by. He could remember asking his mother how those metal contraptions worked, and her gentle voice answering. Most think that it is power of man Dimitri, but it is not. A higher power, a God allows humans that ability of flight because we wish to be free but do not have wings.


Unbeknown to him, another pair of cold brown eyes watched the tears from the shadows with such hatred the air almost burned with it. A malicious grin appeared on its face, a look of knowing what would come next. You ruined everything brat, you and your cursed mother. Paybacks…
 
Upon entering the chilly house where the small family lived, Marc was the first to disappear, saying he had some home work to do. Standing in the living room door way with his head bowed solemnly, Dimitri flinched as his father footsteps got closer, the sound of them almost ringing with fury. "You disgraced our family, your poor mother with your pathetic weakness out there." The words were clipped and angry, sounding like a jail worker to an inmate more than a father to his distraught son.
 
"Come!" The man snapped, and he knew better then to disobey. Even though he knew what was coming and that he deserved it, the prospect of the pain was not welcoming. Neighbors along the street turned out their lights that night, ignoring the thin wails of anguish emitting from the only room with light.

Eleven years later

The squeak of a chair shattered the else-wise illusion of peace the dark room created. A large person set his elbows on the formal, if not fake, wood of his desk, dark brown eyes searching the younger man's face in front of him as if able to see the answers he look for there. "How does his training go? It's been three years and I had hoped to pronounce him a official soon." The general, normally hard faced and composed tried not to squirm under the intense gaze of his superior.

"I have kept an eye on him sir, and watched as he improved over the years." He swallowed thickly, feeling sweat bead up on his brow. "He has the best aim in his clas.s, and is quick in escaping detection and covering his trail." Noting his superior's nod of approval, he decided to go on. "I believe the only thing he must really work on is putting his own thoughts and feelings behind and doing as the mission calls for him to do." The scowl of slight annoyance shut him, not wanting to piss his superior off.

"That will come in time, but for now, let us go find my son and break the good news to him." Standing up from the old chair, the man felt his back creak in protest, and knew that his life was catching up to him. The slight pulse of a vein in his forehead was enough warning to anyone who approached him that something had ticked him off and angering him further was a death wish. The man, known as boss or sir to everyone he knew, had thought he had beaten some sense into his youngest sons head. But it seemed he had not and he hoped that after a few as.sas.sinations his son would realize that emotions for others would get him killed, or worse, caught and tortured for information on the Vinka.

Walking out of the room the other man, known as Victor or colonel, followed suit, noting the stiffness of the man in front of him shoulders, indicating tension and pain. He knew that it would not be much longer before the boss was killed, and the position for leader would be up for grabs. How many of them would die in this rush for power? He did not know, but something told him when this came, the boss's son would be one hell of a competitor.

End of Prolouge

~

So? If you'd be interested in me posted the first chapter then let me know and i'll gladly do so. Until then constructive criticism is always loved! 

Edit: If you'd like to read other chapters here is the link where it can be found. 
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2791299/1/Darkness_I_Beseech_You

Edited Link 




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Kitnye

9:05pm Jun 24 2010

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Posts: 12
i think it's very good and an interesting prologue. my only issue is with the dialogue. You start a new paragraph for each new start. If you already knew that and was just trying to reduce on the character count then I guess there's nothing wrong with this.



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Alcarie

5:54pm Jun 25 2010

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Posts: 2,091

Thanks! Glad someone seems to think it's interesting (:

Yeah, I was trying to keep the page length of this to a minimum because some seem to shy away from reading lengthy things.




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Kitnye

8:06pm Jun 25 2010

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Posts: 12
ok then. well i hope to read more



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Alcarie

12:39pm Jul 2 2010 (last edited on 9:11pm Jul 5 2010)

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Posts: 2,091

Well, here is the the link where other chapters can be found if you'd like to read it. Thanks for taking some interest!

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2791299/1/Darkness_I_Beseech_You

This link should work. 




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ShifteroftheNight

3:59pm Jul 5 2010

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Posts: 109

I like it! I agree with Kitnye on the dialogue, its harder to read when its like that also.
But interesting plot, would love to read more, and it won't let me access your other chapters lol




Alcarie

9:17pm Jul 5 2010

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Posts: 2,091

Okay, i'll change it around so hopefully it will be easier to read. Thanks for that tip both of you!

And this link should work:

 http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2791299/1/Darkness_I_Beseech_You




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