Blood Lust


Go to page: 1 Bookmark Thread
MaximumRide15

1:24pm Aug 5 2010 (last edited on 10:45am Aug 31 2010)

Normal User


Posts: 6

      15

            I couldnt help but stare into Tamani's bright green eyes. They were the only things keeping me from letting myself fall into the dark nothingness that was overcasting my vision. Tamani moved across the room, his dark black wings shadowing behind him.

            You could see every feather, every detail, but with my blurring vision it was hard to focus clearly on. He reached into a droor and scuffled around in it for a few seconds before pulling out a butchers knife. What the hell is he doing? I thought. Suddenly he took the tip of his knife and drew it across his wrist.

             The seductive smell hit me imediately and i screamed at an ear peircing pitch. The heart stopping scream was enough to slow him down, but not enough to stop him. He was going to want me to drink it, and as much as i wanted to, i refused to. He strode across the room to the side of my bed.The sweet smelling blood grew even stonger as the captivating scent made my head swirl and my body tremble.

    "Drink it" Tamami said.I threw my head in the opposite direction.i was actually refusing blood. Blood that healed my body, that helped me get through hard times as a vampyre, and i was refusing it." Drink my blood Auroura. If you dont you'll die. I cant let that happen to you!" He screasmed the last sentence an i felt a single, salty tear of his drop into a slit on my neck.

    And with that, he pressed his wrist against my mouth. The flavor exploded on my mouth and all the things that happened in the past three hours hit me. Cole had befriended me. he'd had me in the right place at the right time. he'd attempted to slit my throught, tied me to a boulder and rolled it into a raging river. Tamani had saved me just before it was to late and here i am drinking his blood for strength.

      I yanked Tamani's arm away from my mouth and started to calm my breathing. He swiftly drew his tounge down the cut on his wrist and it immediately started to clot.

         "I'm so glad I changed you. If i hadn't there would've been absolutly no chance that you'd still be alive." My vision started clearing and i could finnaly see those gorgeous green eyes that have captivated me for so long. i extendend my wings a little bit and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

 

  16

         When I woke I was in a daze. I could just barely make out Tamani's figure at the foot of the bed. His superman like hair, and those dazzling green eyes. How long had he been sitting there? Had he been there all night? He shifts his weight and somehow notices that im awake.

  "Mornin' sleepy head."He cheerfuly announces. For a second I'd forgoten how to talk. I only had a few seconds to get myself together before he would worry.

   "How long have I been out?" I ask, but it's all slurred together, like my tounge had swollen up or something.

   "You sound like your drunk!" He exclaimed with a giggle. "Oh and you've been out for about two days," He continued with more laughter, "and the morphine should wear off in a few minnutes."

  That last scentence enraged me. Tamani knew I hated morphine. It made me groggy and I couldn't remember anything once he gave it to me. I slowly started to sit up, and as Tamani is telling me that sitting up could lead to future problems, I punch him smack in the jaw.

   "Crap! Dammit Auroura! what the hell was that for?!" He Shouted. I furiously glared at him.

     "What was it for?! Why dont you ask the morphine?!" I was screaming right in his face. I could see pain in his eyes. Not from the punch but because I was right. Morphine meantally messed with my head.

     "Auroura, I am so sorry. I, I didn't know. I forgot. If there's anyth-" and at that moment I leaned in and kissed him.he tasted of smoke, cinnomon, and something else i couldnt place- but it was sweet, and i liked it. For a moment he didnt say anything.

     "Thank you" Tamani said. Thank you? Thank you for what? I didn't do anything for him.

      "For what?" I asked.

       "For giving me that small speck of hope, that someday, you'll truly love me."  What he didn't know, is that that day, was already here.

 

Flowers234

3:47pm Aug 5 2010

Normal User


Posts: 650
Good, but whats up with the 15 at the top?



ferniio made dem^^
Earthrabbit1

5:32pm Aug 5 2010

Normal User


Posts: 5,997

Flowers - I think it means, chapter 15




http://roleplaying.do-forum.com/forum.htm If you like to ROLEPLAY then go to this site and sign up! {Lemonheart's site}
Flowers234

5:56pm Aug 5 2010

Normal User


Posts: 650
Where are all the other chapters!!??



ferniio made dem^^
Epona

6:36pm Aug 15 2010

Normal User


Posts: 2,963

It's really good! Spelling is off in some places, but not to where Im all "What the heck is she tryin to spell?! 0o"

Wish you had the whole thing on here... 




Resident mounted archer
NightmareDream

9:02pm Aug 15 2010

Normal User


Posts: 1,551

I wish you had the whole thing posted as well. You have a good way with words, and obviously people want to read more. The problem? Watch your grammar. I don't like reading sentences like this:

"go in" he said to me. no way am i going in that place i thought to myself." ever since that one time i made sure to promise myself never to go back there.  

That is exactly the type of sentence I saw you use a lot. You had random quotation marks in places where there shouldn't be any. I know that can sometimes happen due to finger placement fail on the keyboard, but you could at least edit them out. Also, capitalize things, and add correct punctuation. That should make the story even better. ^^ Take this part, for example:

 the seductive smell hit me imediately and i screamed in horror. he was going to want me to drink it. and i wanted to so much. i couln't though. he was my friend and i couldn't.He strode across the room to the side of my bed. 

Wouldn't it look better if you wrote that paragraph like so?

The seductive smell hit me immediately, and I screamed in horror. He was going to want me to drink it. And I wanted to so much. I couldn't though. He was my friend and I couldn't. He strode across the room to the side of my bed.

So there's that for the grammar. The other thing I'm going to mention is the fact that you can slow things down, enabling you to flesh things out. Also you can rephrase some things to make the sentences flow together more smoothly. So the above paragraph could be re-phrased to sound like so:

The seductive smell hit me immediately. That sweet, sweet fragrance of blood that made my head reel. I screamed in horror. He was going to want to make me drink it; I wanted to so badly. The desire was strong, the aroma almost making me drift away and lose myself... I couldn't though. He was my friend and I couldn't. He strode across the room to the side of my bed.

I mean, you don't need to do it like that. I was just messing around with the words. But you can do things like that (disconnecting some sentences, connecting others) to create a nice effect while writing. ^^ But that's about it about what I wanted to comment on. It's really up to you what you want to edit and change. xD

I really am interested in the story and wish there was more posted. The story has me hooked, which is always a good sign. :D And you're writing is good too. I want to read more. ^^  




MaximumRide15

11:55am Aug 17 2010

Normal User


Posts: 6
hey guys ill edit it some more and write a little more. thanx for the tips. oh and sorry about the 15 at the top. i couldnt think of a begining to the story.
Epona

1:35pm Aug 17 2010

Normal User


Posts: 2,963
15 could be the name of the chapter....like the girls age. This could be the first chapter and the rest of the story could be about 'before and onward'....if that makes sense...



Resident mounted archer
Epona

6:49pm Aug 26 2010

Normal User


Posts: 2,963
Awww!!!!!one111!!!!!one. Cute chapter ya've added. :D



Resident mounted archer
Reddaysi

3:19pm Nov 27 2010

Normal User


Posts: 251
Wonderful!



iloveotter

3:21pm Dec 25 2010

Normal User


Posts: 227
isn't it vampire instead of vampyre
OakWood

1:40am Jan 2 2011

Normal User


Posts: 99
Bump :3



MaximumRide15

2:54pm Feb 19 2011

Normal User


Posts: 6
i spelled it vampyre on purpose- ya know- makes the story different from other peoples
Go to page: 1