Another help edit needed, :D and a name? XD


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Hoolahoop

5:20pm Oct 7 2010

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Posts: 218

 

The *censored*ignment was to write a short story that is frightening and kind of "gothic", as in scary? XD (its probably not that scary) it must have a "beast", and is good if it can relate to LORD OF THE FLIES, the novel we are studying. 

 

The clouds that veiled the dim moon moved slowly with the wind. Two women, each wearing a scarf, hat, and coat – to shield them from autumn’s frosty breath – walked quietly along the gravel road. Although they seemed to be dressed so warmly, their long legs were covered only by the thin layer of tights, their feet uncomfortable in pairs of high heels. A thick layer of makeup covered their lips, cheeks, eyebrows, eyes – a pair of blue and a pair of brown. When they spoke, their voices warmed the air with vapour, but sent chills down their spines.

 

“Good thing there’s two of us.” The brown eyes murmured.

 

There was silence, as the bottom of their shoes scraped the ground as their paces quickened.

 

“Really, with all the incidents going on.” The brown eyes chimed again, hoping to find comfort in conversation.

 

A pair of blue eyes shone with a fearful knowing.

 

“The Ripper,” she said briskly, feeling her own shadows catch up to her. Her fiery hair fell gently at the nape of her neck; she was frighteningly beautiful.

 

“Yes,” whispered the brown eyes. “Three already…” She fell silent as they neared the winding alleyways of Whitechapel. She was beginning to get nervous, her caramel eyes darted from side to side, and a shiver ran down her dirty blonde hair to the bottom of her spine. Shadows danced and followed quickly behind. The brown eyes felt it now, the presence of a follower, shoes etching on rocks like nails on a chalkboard. Feeling it too, two blue eyes quickened their pace along with the blonde’s. The two prostitutes scurried frantically down the road, each shuffle getting louder and closer, street lamps blowing out as the wind sighed. Following just as fast, the shadows lurked closely behind the fiery hair, waiting for a chance. They were running now, pained feet in shoes unfit for these types of dire situations, escaping to the refuge behind the small turn of the alley. Their feet screamed, their shoes slashing in to the concrete with the wind screeching in their ears. Stumbling around the corner, her heart came to a shrieking stop as her chocolate iris adjusted in the dim moonlight.

 

A dead end.

 

The shadows crept into the red hair’s glacial eyes – a hint of fear and madness – and seized the chance. There was barely a snuffle. Clouds slowly covered the small amount of moonlight that had trickled in before, and surrounded London in darkness – except for a tiny flash of silver.

 

It was quiet. The icy stare watched tranquilly as the warm caramel eyes grew cold, her rose lipstick melting on her blonde hair and across the street. Finally, the one lone girl turned away silently, almost just stifling a giggle.

 

Four.

Hoolahoop

5:27pm Oct 7 2010

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Posts: 218

Oh yes, and im offering a hatch to each person that provides help (:.. XD

 

Toxoplasma

7:03pm Oct 7 2010

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Posts: 1,231
I'll try and help out a bit. :3 <3



Hoolahoop

7:06pm Oct 7 2010

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Posts: 218
awee, thanks :D!
fizzyizze

7:07pm Oct 7 2010

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Posts: 1,864
I like it l3 May I suggest "muffled" instead of "dim"? And maybe like "the red haired one" etc? xD



Toxoplasma

7:17pm Oct 7 2010 (last edited on 7:58pm Oct 7 2010)

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Posts: 1,231

I warn you, I'm very very nitpicky and the changes I mention are only suggestions and are in no way meant to insult your writting, because's it's very good. :3 <3

EDIT: to shield them from autumn’s frosty breath ~> key items(accessories?) in sheilding them from autumn's icy breath

seemed to be dressed so warmly ~> remove the 'so'

only by the thin layer of tights ~> only by the thin material of their tights

Separate the part about high heels from the sentence and make it it's own. Or Add an 'and' between the parts about tights and high heels, then place a semi-colon and put something along the lines of: 'These aggravations prevented any comfort the slight warmth might have brought them.'

their voices warmed the air with vapour ~> change 'warmed' to 'pierced the chill of' | By extension, change the later 'chills' to 'shivers'

The brown eyes murmured ~> The brown-eyed female murmured

Remove the coma in the next sentence

as their paces quickened ~> due to their quickened paces

"Really, with all the incidents going on." ~> "You know, what with all the incidents that have been occuring lately."

"The Ripper," she said briskly ~> "The Ripper," she affirmed briskly

"...frighteningly beautiful." Maybe add on something like: ", which, at any other time would have been a good thing."

whispered the brown eyes. ~> whispered the the first.

darted to darting

from her dirty blonde hair ~> from the roots of her dirty blonde hair

the fiery hair ~>  the fiery haired individual

pained feet in shoes ~> feet pained in shoes

red hair's ~> red head's

almost just stifling ~> barely stifling




Hoolahoop

7:33pm Oct 7 2010

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Posts: 218

Thank you guys so much! <3 XD im glad you guys like it (:

You can send me the eggs you want hatched, and ill get to work XD :D

A thing on the "red haired" or "blue eyed", i was leaving out the words like "individual" or "girl" on purpose, but now im doubting my descision... : LOL ill think about it hard.. XD

Thanks Fizzy! ill try that word :D

and Hiara, thanks so much for such a thorough edit.. XD i couldnt be more happy! (:

Toxoplasma

8:01pm Oct 7 2010

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Posts: 1,231

No problem~ I just, like, obsess with small details. I had to edit my own edits almost five tmes over and I'm still not fully happy with them, but, eh. :3 <3

 

And I will send you my egger. 8D




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