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5:51pm Jul 25 2011
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Normal User
Posts: 730
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Da-dada-DA! *New Excerpt* :D Story Excerpt 4 “I’m not going back,” Cass says. Her voice is low and she has her back turned to me, so I can’t tell if she’s crying. “Cass, I’m so sorry,” I apologize, stepping forward to comfort her. I feel horrible because I know I’m part of the reason she can’t go back. Even though I didn’t want her to. She turns around and I’m surprised that she’s not crying. “Sorry for what?” she asks, raising her left eyebrow. “Sawyer, this isn’t your fault. You did the right thing. The only thing I knew you would do. It could have gone down a lot worse than it did. I stare at her. “I know that. But I’m confused. If I did the right thing, then why can’t you go back?” “Because it was a mutual decision… I think.” Cass smiles. “Nathan’s still torturing himself with it, but I made the choice before I even knew I could.” “I thought you said you didn’t have a choice.” I’m still confused with all the information she’s giving me. My brain trying to process it, but it’s still not making much sense. “Exactly,” Cass says. “ I also said we didn’t have feelings. Or so I thought. But I broke the rules 10 years ago. The day you declared we were ’Best Friends’, I broke them without even knowing. That’s why it was easy for me. And Nathan knew he broke the rules when he saved Jade. That’s why he’s taking it so hard.” “And you had no clue…,” I piece it together, finally. “But Nathan saved Jade’s life. He shouldn’t be punished for that.” “Sawyer. He’s not being punished. He’s been given the choice. What happens is up to him. We love Jade. She’s truly our little sister, blood or not. He knows he did the right thing, just like you do. That’s why the choice is so difficult for him.” “What choice?” I ask, annoyed I have no clue what the choice she’s talking about is. “Option A : He can stay here, like me, and be ’normal’. Live the rest of his life as a human. Go to college, date, grow old. And deal with everything that comes with it, good and bad,” she explains. “And Option B?” I prod. “Option B : He can go back to being an angel. Go back to Heaven and have all the memories of the past fourteen years erased. Like it never happened. No you, no me, no Jade. None of it. He can have the same assignments he’s always had. No demotion.” “No promotion?” I ask. “Sawyer, the first choice is the promotion. He’d get to experience living. To have emotions and experiences that he would never know as an angel,” she says, looking at me. “So… What would happen here? If he chooses to go back, I mean? Do we all forget he ever existed, too? ” I ask. “Well, you can’t ever really forget about someone you love. I don’t know what would happen.” A thought occurs to me. “So does everyone worry themselves sick over him, thinking he’s dead?” I ask, getting angry. “You just said he could have his memories of us erased. Even Jade. You’re not making sense. If he loved us, he couldn’t forget, right?” I ask. “The rules are different for angels. If he chooses to forget, he could,” she says. I’m pissed at Nathan for not instantly making the choice like Cass did, but also a little heartbroken that he might choose to forget us. I’m not sure which emotion the tears came from, but Cass sees them. “Don’t cry,” she says. She steps forward to hug me, so I let her. No matter how much I hate crying in front of people, it’s not like I can pretend I’m not. “What do you think he’ll choose?” I ask, my voice coming out broken. “I don’t know,” she says. “One of the things that sucks about being human. I don’t automatically know the answers anymore.” She laughs. “But I hope he’ll choose to stay.” I smile weakly. “Me too.”
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5:16pm Jul 26 2011
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Posts: 448
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Hey, this reminds me a bit like City of Angels. ;) Have you seent that movie? And, speaking of which, I've been writing some stories about angels too! So far it's really good, love the consistent perspective. Can't wait for more! c:
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11:52am Aug 19 2011
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Posts: 730
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More might be posted soon. Testing out a new excerpt before posting it. Catch me in the SB or rmail me if you want to read it. :)
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12:30pm Aug 23 2011
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Posts: 12
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it reminds me of that movie too, except it has to do with teens, overall i like your writing style, and its good ^.^
Pokemon Lover and Anime Lover
Warriorcat for life.
Shorty Lynn
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4:00pm Sep 23 2011
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Posts: 730
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Up. New stuff to be posted soon. <3
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3:27pm Sep 30 2011
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Normal User
Posts: 730
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Story Excerpt 6
Zane drives me home after school. I’d forgotten- well, neglected, really- to bring an umbrella or coat to school when I left my house in the morning. I wasn’t expecting it to be pouring at all today since it was so nice out. So I was annoyed with the weather being so bipolar. It was pouring hard.
When Zane offered me a ride home, I gladly accepted. We made a beeline through the student parking lot for his car. By the time he’d finally managed to unlock both our doors, we were soaked.
As we pulled up to my house, the rain seemed to be coming down even harder. I shake my head and turn to Zane. “There’s no way you’re driving home in this. You can’t even see past the windshield,” I point out.
“I’ll be fine,” Zane says. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Zane. Seriously. This is not weather anyone should be driving in. Just come in and wait it out. We can watch TV and get dried off,” I say, gesturing to his soaked clothes.
“I see where this is headed,” Zane says, grinning at me. I make a face, wondering what he’s talking about. “You want to see me shirtless and dripping wet.”
I shove his arm, laughing. “Oh my gosh, Zane! That’s totally what I was thinking. Are you a mind reader?” I say in my sarcastic, airhead voice.
Although now that he’d put the image in my head, I couldn’t say it didn’t appeal to me. I hide a smile at the mental image, feeling my face get hot. “Besides,” I say seriously, “my mom should be home soon.”
“Admit it,” he says, grinning wickedly at me. “You want to ogle at my half naked body, and make me your love slave.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me.
I burst out laughing, and turn toward him. “Love slave? Please. You’re way too into yourself.” I stick my tongue out at him. Seeing me blushing, he laughs.
“I knew it. You’re picturing me shirtless right now, aren’t you?” He gives me a sexy smirk.
“No,” I lie, getting ready to run for the porch. “C’mon,” I say. “You really shouldn’t be driving in this.”
“Okay,” he says, turning off the car and taking the keys out of the ignition. “But don’t be too shocked when you see how much better the real thing is.”
Before I can reply, he’s already out of the car and running for the porch. I sit there speechless and still blushing for a second before grabbing my stuff and doing the same.
*********************************************************************
I open the door soaking wet. My sneakers squish with every step, my hair is dripping wet, my bangs are matted to my face, and my jeans and T-shirt cling uncomfortably to my body. Zane looks about the same, although he seems more comfortable in his clothes than I am.
I look around, unsure about where he should sit. Finally, I give up. “Would you mind just standing up while I get some towels and a change of clothes for both of us?” I ask. “I don’t think my mom would appreciate sitting down and finding the cushions soaked.”
Zane nods, and I head up the stairs to get everything. I’m pretty sure Zane’s about the same size as Josh, so I snag some temporary clothes for him from his room. I grab a pair of jeans and a graphic t-shirt, glad that Josh wears mostly oversized clothes. Then I grab a couple of towels from the bathroom shelf and head back down.
I hand the clothes and a towel to Zane, and he goes to the bathroom to change. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t actually take off his shirt in front of me. My face heating up at the thought, I head up to my room to do the same.
I quickly slip on some dry clothes, choosing a cute but comfortable pair of pajama bottoms with blue pandas and a form fitting blue t-shirt. I grab a blanket from my closet and discard my shoes by my dresser. I head back down with the blanket and catch Zane coming out of the bathroom. Shirtless.
I stand there, gaping. I want to act normal, but the only thing I can do is think. And the only thing I can think is ‘Oh My God. He wasn’t lying. This is WAY better than I’d imagined.’
I feel my rational side trying to kick in, telling me to continue down the stairs, to stop staring at Zane’s perfect chest. Stop imagining him holding me in a bed, my head on his chest, him rubbing small circles on my bare shoulder with his thumb, his arm wrapped loosely around my waist, his chin resting comfortably on my head… OH MY GOD. Did I really just think that? I feel my face heating again. Maybe I should just go back up and splash water on my face…
Too late. Zane sees me on the stairs, probably blushing like crazy at the thoughts running through my head. He gives me another smirk, and I feel like he can see everything I’m thinking. I try to clear my head, face burning, but I can’t. The images keep circulating and I can’t stop them.
“Hey,” I manage to choke out. “Um… I brought a blanket.” I hold it up as proof. No, really? I try to shake off the trance his chest has on me, act normal. “I figure I could stick your clothes in the dryer while we watch TV.”
He’s still grinning wickedly, like he knows exactly what’s going through my mind right now. But he hands me his clothes and I hand him the blanket. I try not to meet his gaze, but fail. I see laughter in his eyes and I can tell he’s trying hard to hold it in.
“So, I’ll be right back up,” I say, rushing out of the room. I take his head down to the basement to stick his clothes in the dryer. Once I’m down in the basement with the dryer going, I start talking to myself. “Get a grip, Sawyer. His chest is gorgeous. So what? Not like you haven’t seen a bare chest before. God, you dated Brandon and Tyler and saw both of them shirtless. What makes Zane so special? You’re not even dating him!” But I definitely want to… And I’m home alone with him. He’s upstairs waiting. I could go up, turn on the TV, and maybe get closer because we have to share the blanket… Why couldn’t something happen?
“Because mom and the boys will be home any minute,” I tell myself. I stop. I’m honestly talking to myself. What is wrong with me? I kick the wall, forgetting that I don’t have my shoes on and wince at the suddenly sharp pain starting at my toes and going to the back of my foot. “DAMMIT!” I yell.
“Sawyer,” I hear Zane yell down the steps. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” I yell back up. “Just stubbed my toe…” I limp up the stairs to see Zane with a very odd expression on his face. “Uh… What is it?” I ask, limping into the hallway.
“Huh?” Zane follows behind me.
“You have a weird look on your face. Is something wrong?”
“No, just worried about you. How’d you stub your toe?”
“I… tripped over a shovel,” I lie, hoping he believes it.
“Uh-huh. So, whose is best?”
“What?” I ask, dumbfounded.
“Well, out of Brandon, Tyler, and I. Who has the best looking chest?”
“Wha- I… Um… What?” I stutter. I feel like I’m on fire. “What are you talking about?”
He smirks at me. Oh my God. He heard me talking to myself. I put my hands over my face, completely mortified. I try to remember what I said out loud and what I said in my head. “What all did you hear?” I squeak through my hands.
“‘You need to get a grip, I have a gorgeous chest’,” I choke, but he continues. “‘What makes me so special?, You’re not even dating me…’” He looks at me with what I can only describe as an expression that makes my knees feel like jelly. “But you could.”
I freeze, fearing that I said the last part out loud, the part about sharing a blanket and wondering why something… interesting couldn’t happen. But he stops after that last word, and as I look at him through my fingers, I realize that he means that I could be dating him. I just stand there looking like a flipping statue, when a guy, who happens to be probably one of the sexiest guys on the planet, basically just asked me out. SPEAK, Sawyer! Say something to prove you’re not a total idiotic nutjob.
“Uh…” Real smooth. “What?”
“Um, okay. Let me try that again,” he says, grinning. “Would you like to go out? As a couple. On a date?”
He actually asked. I’m jumping for joy in my head. “Yes,” I squeak out again. I still can’t believe he heard me talking to myself about his chest. I will never live this down. And then he takes my hands in his, and gently pulls them away from my face. I try to avoid his gaze, but then he drops one of my hands and tilts my head up toward his. I feel the pull between us, and step closer to bridge the space. Our heads get closer and…
RRRRRIINNGGGGGGG!
We spring apart so fast, I end up falling on my butt and he crashes into the wall behind him.
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3:55pm Sep 30 2011 (last edited on 3:56pm Sep 30 2011)
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Posts: 17
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Yes okay so this is delightful. :3 Only confusing thing, really, is that the tense seems to slip back and forth between present and past. After rereading the problem sentences a few times, I think I understand why you have them the way you do -- but you don't want your readers to have to think about it, you want the story to flow. Example, the first bit (because that was the only part I had to go back and figure out)... Zane drives me home after school. [present tense] I’d forgotten- well, neglected, really- to bring an umbrella or coat to school when I left my house in the morning. [past tense] I wasn’t expecting it to be pouring at all today since it was so nice out. ["wasn't" is good, "was" should be "had been," implying that it had been nice in the morning, but now it isn't.] So I was annoyed with the weather being so bipolar. It was pouring hard.
See, the first short sentence is present, which confused me, especially when after two paragraphs of past tense the dialogue goes back into present. There is a really, really easy way to fix that: slip a "usually" or "always" between "Zane" and "drives"; change the sentence to "Zane usually drives me home after school." And then it alllll makes sense!
And trust me, as someone who writes in the present tense for one story and past for another, I know how hard it is to figure out how to be perfectly grammatical in present tense. Most of what we read for class and pleasure tends to be in past tense (which is sad, because you can do some really cool things in present tense that you just can't as well in past, particularly when writing emotions the way you do), so there aren't a lot of great examples out there.
And you write really, really well. I loved this. I was laughing and snickering all the way through it. I love how Sawyer reacts to Zane being shirtless! At first I was thinking, aw, no, she's going to overreact and this is going to turn into some angst-drool-rant about his pecs, but it totally didn't turn out that way! Instead, it turned into Sawyer going oh dear god what am I thinking and "...probably blushing like crazy at the thoughts running through my head. He gives me another smirk, and I feel like he can see everything I’m thinking. I try to clear my head, face burning, but I can’t. The images keep circulating and I can’t stop them." And that line is made of win, because really, who hasn't done something like that? You do a marvelous job of capturing her chagrin and her awkward "omg wtf" reaction. And Zane's amusement! He just acts like nothing is wrong and then comes right out and is all Yeah, I'm awesome, you know I'm the best, I know I'm the best...oh hey btw, WE SHOULD TOTALLY DATE :D :D :D.
And then here I am, sitting here laughing my tail off because seriously, that is the best lead-in to asking someone out ever. And Sawyer is still going "omg wtf wtf WTF" and clinging to her blanket like it's the last tie to sanity she has left, which I gotta be honest with you, is probably exactly how I would react, too. And then realizing that she's just still standing there gawking. "SPEAK, Sawyer! Say something to prove you’re not a total idiotic nutjob." Cannot brain today, I has the dumb. MADE OF LULZ.
And then the last line just made me intensely happy. You don't even know. That visual is just perfect.
So yes. Your characters? Are awesome. This whole exchange is perfectly paced, puts all the emphasis in all the right places, doesn't spend too much time agonizing over this, that, or the other thing...
I like this. I like this a lot. The verb tenses are really just a side thing, sort of a "you may wanna think about these" which I've thrown at your head because (a) I am a grammar nazi like whoa, and (b) that's something I really wish people would do for my writing and nobody ever does.
I apologize if I offended you at any point, or gave you the impression that your writing is bad or I didn't like the excerpt. Your writing is brilliant and I loved the excerpt. Which, yanno, is probably obvious from my shameless fangirl squeeing all through the second half of this post. XD |
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4:32am Oct 28 2011
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Normal User
Posts: 730
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Thanks so much. I loved this review so much, I printed it. XD
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12:14am Nov 16 2011 (last edited on 2:05am Nov 16 2011)
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Posts: 730
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Story Excerpt... Whatever number XD
I twirl a strand of my bangs between two of my fingers, a force of habit when I get bored. I stare at the deep cherry red color, wondering if it's time to change it again. I don't like keeping my bangs the same color for very long. Maybe purple or green... Or maybe I could do the electric blue I finally convinced Cass to let me do to her bangs during the summer. It looks gorgeous with the rest of her dark her, her chocolate brown eyes, and the mocha tone of her skin. Not that she wasn't already gorgeous. I think it's some sort of unspoken rule that angels look amazingly beautiful. The blue just made her beauty more... unique. I'm pretty sure that, thanks to me, Cass is the only angel to ever have her hair-well, her bangs-dyed. It took me years to convince her. And I think it shocked both of us when she finally did agree. I look back up to see Cass glaring at me. "What?" I ask. "You didn't hear a word I just said, did you?" She demands. "Uh..." I start. I did hear the first sentence. She was asking if I wanted to spend the night. And then I zoned out when she started talking about Sunday morning church, and something about school. But it was pointless to try to lie to an angel. They could always tell. I learned that the hard way. Not to mention, I think that would be considered a sin. "No. Not really," I answer honestly. "I knew it! You know, Sawyer, some things I just said are very important," She snaps at me. "Okay! I'm sorry," I apologize. "Do you think I should re-color my bangs again?" I ask, biting back a smile as she rolls her eyes. There's just something funny about seeing an angel display attitude, even if she has grown up as a human. "I could do yours again, too!" I add, wiggling my eyebrows at her. "Sawyer Emily Robinson," She says, glaring at me. I shut up. The use of my full name from anyone, especially my mom or Cass, means trouble.
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12:40am Nov 16 2011
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Posts: 17
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Sweet jayzus, you did it again. You wrote awesome stuff all over the place again didn't you. Didn't you. You did.
Yeah, once again, the only issue I have is with verb tenses. I think I've finally got them figured out, on my end (after much experimentation), but I'm still not sure if it's a style thing. I will get back to you on that. I will say that "hadn't already been gorgeous" would make better sense to me, but I honestly have no idea if "wasn't already gorgeous" is grammatically incorrect or if I am just extremely anal-retentive. XD
Oh, Cass. Impatient immortals are the best immortals, because they are all "I don't have time for this crap" and meanwhile everyone else is still going, "Uh, yes, actually, you kind of do," and the immortals are like, "Okay, fine, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with it!" (And then there's this whole thing where sometimes I write fic for Good Omens, and you wanna talk about angels with attitude, man, check out Aziraphale.) So I am right there with you on the whole "angel with a 'tude" thing. It is hilarious. And I love the idea of an angel with blue in her hair. Good lord, that's just about the most perfect thing ever.
Being on Earth does things to angels. They go native, a little bit, after a while.
"But [it's] pointless to try to lie to an angel. They [can] always tell. I [had] learned that the hard way." How much do I love that she tried to lie to an angel? So much. So much. Oh my god. It's the same as not paying rapt attention to Cass at all times just because she's an angel. Cass is her friend, and being an angel has nothing to do with that. Sometimes friends zone out on each other.
The only word I would change in here that isn't a verb is the word "red." Just take it out. "Cherry" is good enough on its own, and too many adjectives can hurt the flow of the sentence. Other than that, this is pretty much just...well, perfect, actually.
Hot da.mn, girl. I WANT TO READ MORE OF THIS. You know what, I'mma just go read the finished book now. *skips off to the future* |
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1:29am Nov 16 2011 (last edited on 5:35pm Nov 16 2011)
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Posts: 730
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OMG! It's a new Record! 2 Excerpts in one night? Noway! XD
Excerpt... Whatever Nathan comes out of nowhere, tackling the biggest guy, Mikel, first. Jade screams and I try my best to calm her and shield her eyes. Nathan grunts as Mikel slams his fist into his chest. I wince, holding a whimpering, crying Jade close to my chest. I see three other guys circling in, getting closer. "Nathan!" I scream. "Nathan, get up!" Nathan raises his head from his position on the floor, his fist about to strike Mikel. He see the guys and I watch as he goes slack from an unexpected punch thrown by Mikel. I scream, tears running down my cheeks. Stay calm, Sawyer. Jade needs you to be strong. Think of a plan. You can get out of this. Mikel laughs, a malicious, unpleasant laugh. He gets up off of Nathan's unconcious body and gestures to the men, if they could even be called men. "Get him restrained with something. We don't need another rescue attempt, however amusingly unsuccessful they may be. And put him in a separate room. We can't have the two of them planning an escape and wasting our energy on small matters." The men obey and drag Nathan to another room, while the third goes for restraints. He turns his gaze to me and I shiver at the wickedness I see reflected in his eyes. "See how little damage your friends can do now, pretty girl? You musn't cause more trouble than you already have. No matter what you may have been told, you are expendable. Although the little girl could always go first, since I suspect it would cause you even more hurt." He gives me a smile that makes my blood turn cold before turning and leaving the room, the door locking behind him. I hug Jade closer to me. She is shaking in fear and I wish I could do something to calm her. I kiss the top of her head and whisper calming words to her. "It's okay, Jade. It'll be okay. Nathan will be okay," I tell her, hoping I'm right. I wonder where Cass is and silently curse Zane for doing this to Jade, to me. After a little while, Jade falls asleep. I try my best to position her on my lap, putting the tiny blanket over her body and the pillow under her head. ************************************************* It feels like hours later when Amorei steps through the door. She's carrying a large tray with a few different items of food. My mouth waters as I realize I haven't eaten for awhile. "Good to see you're still up, Sawyer," She says, as if my name is a repulsive thing. I glare at her, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of a reply. But she continues on, trying to push me. "I wonder where Cassidy is... It'd be enjoyable to have all three Pearson siblings within our possession. Maybe I should send Mikel and a few others after her..." She stops to check my reaction and continues on when she sees me swallow, changing her tactic. "Although this one isn't anything special," she says, sneering at Jade's sleeping form on my lap. "Nathan may have come to save you both, but that doesn't mean she means anything to us. Not to mention, it was very foolish of him to attempt something like that. Him being in our custody gives us more of an advantage." I glance up sharply, wondering what advantage she could mean. I realize too late that this is just the reaction she was looking for. She smiles.
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12:19am Nov 22 2011
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Posts: 1,050
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This is beautiful, sm<3
 Please click me! I'm dying!
EDIT: Oh crap I'm dead. Click me anyways, cause I'm awesome. |
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9:02am Nov 28 2011
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Normal User
Posts: 183
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Holy moly I've missed sooo much! And it's all absolutely amazing as usual! You seem to have this talent for writing excerpts that, far from actually satisfying my curiosity, instead just create more unbearably exciting suspense! HOW DO YOU DO IT?!?! Please don't stop writing this story until it's finished, I need this in my life :P
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11:15pm Jan 17 2012
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Posts: 17
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Whoa wait, I totes missed the second bit. Pity, because it's awesome.
Not gonna lie, I don't really know who Jade or Mikel or Nathan or Amorei are. But the great thing is that I can guess. I guess Jade is a child Sawyer is responsible for at the moment -- her sister? -- Mikel might be a demon or a fallen angel, possibly someone who betrayed some trust or other, Nathan...I have no idea who Nathan is, but Amorei seems legit evil. Seems like the brains of the operation, too.
Coooool. Only thing I'd say maybe work on in this section is the bit where Nathan is going to punch Mikel, because the way it sounds right now is like Nathan is lying prone and trying to punch like that, and that just doesn't work. But then, I'm reading a section of a larger scene, so maybe there's setup that I'm not seeing.
Other than that this is very, very good. I like how Sawyer is freaked out but still managing to comfort Jade. |
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11:32pm Jan 17 2012
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Posts: 730
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Okay. Nathan is another Angel. Cass's "brother" who was sent with her so they can keep each other on track. Which, of course, they both failed at. Jade is their (Nathan's & Cass's little sister) She is a legitimate Pearson child. (My explanation is that, because the Pearson parents were so good to Nathan & Cass after they adopted the two, they were blessed with a child of their own. They couldn't have one before.) Jade is like a little sister to Sawyer since she's really close to Cass.
Amorei & Mikel are Fallen Angels. And Mikel was never trusted. Zane is the one that betrayed the trust.
And yeah. I was having Nathan punch from his position on the floor. Maybe it'd be better to have Mikel on the floor? Though then his punch wouldn't work. ...I'll have to work on that bit. |
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11:51pm Jan 21 2012 (last edited on 11:51pm Jan 21 2012)
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Posts: 3,584
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Wrong thread. o.o
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7:34am Mar 4 2012
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Posts: 730
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Smuh is currently stuck. Not happy. lol I will try to come up with something new by the end of the month, but I won't force it. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions of what I should work on next (continuation or a new section), rmail me. I could use a boost. ^.^
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7:07pm Mar 5 2012
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Posts: 202
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I love it :D
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